Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Day Four - Monday

So I went to school after not wanting to leave my bed at all. I almost fell asleep a few times taking notes for three hours straight. Halfway through the morning, my left leg went numb. Not in the tingly, dead-feeling kind of way, I just couldn't feel the skin or anything I did to it. I left as soon as we finished and went home to have a nap. My brother dropped me at the BFs after dinner and we hung out, which was nice... Except I think I let it go too far. He apologised and we kissed and it was nice but then we had sex and even though it still felt good it just left me feeling confused. I took my little pill before I went to see him and after the sex I was absolutley exhausted. It's like deflating a balloon. I didn't know what was going on, I couldn't stop shaking I was just a mess. We cuddled XD which was nice and I left pretty soon after. My friend S told me she wasn't going to be able to give me a ride Tuesday morning which meant I could've stayed at the BFs rather than going home, which would have been nice. Ah well. I went straight home to bed and sleep.

Day Five - Tuesday

I stayed away from school and worked from home, which is code for watched re-runs of the Kardashians. I'm a reality tv whore, I'm sorry. I blame my generation. I felt awful all day, just slow and tired and I didn't get hardly anything done, with two deadlines in two days, I'm screwed. I got a ride over to the BFs after taking another pill and we hung out with a few of his friends until close to midnight. I fell asleep and got woken up to someone telling me to get out of their car. Nice, eh? I fell asleep with y boyfriend, which was nice. That hasn't happened in a while.

Day Six - Wednesday (Today)

I woke up and woke up my BF with a nice alarm :) It was good to wake up with someone there next to you that you trust and thats happy to see you. But, after a make-up session in the shower, or the start of one, I almost blacked out and he just got weird. I think maybe he thinks I'm just doing this for attention, but I'm not, I just have no idea what is happening with my head and I haven't been eating (yay) and I just get really dizzy all the time. After he left to go to work, which was just awkward, he looked so ... lost. I went to the see the Doc again, this time he had my blood results and gave me some iron tablets and a letter for time off from school and work until Monday, which helps with work but not so much school because we finish for the first term in two days and I have two assignments I have to finish before then. I'm fucked. I'm going to bed and going to sleep and going to enjoy it. I hope. Unfortunately alone tonight, but hopefully not for long :)

Goodnight Angels,


Sunday, April 10, 2011

My Experiment

I've been gone for a really long time, and I'm sorry about that.

My doctor recently put me on some anti-depressants. It's new for me, and I hate it. So I thought I'd come back here, as a sort of ... experiment? I guess. With myself. I want to keep track of how I feel. I want people to know it's real, and I need to remember myself. So here goes.

Day One - Friday

I took the pill at about 11 pm the night before, the Doc said it would make me sleepy. I don't know if I fell asleep straightaway cause I've been so exhausted lately or because of the meds but I don't really care - sleep was a welcome distraction. The next day I was at school. I felt okay until I actually got there. I felt tired, and I couldn't feel my face properly, like I was drunk, or high. Like when you get to almost pass-out drunk and when you lie down the world spins so you close your eyes but that just makes you feel worse. I thought I was going to be sick the whole time, but not from my stomach, from somewhere else. My skin was numb, and I was so ... lost. I felt confused. Like I was just watching someone else doing things from inside my head. I went home early and fell asleep about 9:30, just after taking my second pill.

Day Two - Saturday

I woke up dazed at about 1:40am, not knowing where I was or what was going on. It was like being high again, everything felt strange because my skin was still numb and I just lay there in bed pulling the blankets up and down my body, freaking out and enjoying the feeling at the same time. I started laughing for no reason, and it scared me even more. I got really cold and put my electric blanket on. I fell asleep around 3am. The second time I woke up it was about 5:30am. My jaw was clenched tight and my teeth hurt. I've never ground my teeth before. It's regular now. When I woke up properly, I went to my boyfriends house. We've been taking a break these past two weeks because he's scared that if we stay together now, we'll be together forever and he's had virtually no experience with being a single guy. He asked me to wait for him to figure things out, but all I feel is that I'm waiting for him to break up with me. I went over to get some stuff I needed for school, I thought he was at work but he called in sick - he has a cold. As soon as I saw him I wanted to look after him, but my mind just started racing immediately and I knew I had this insane grin on my face, I could feel it pulling through the numbness. We talked a little bit about the meds - he's one of the only people I've told - and hanging out at some point. He fell asleep again when I left. I got home and freaked out, I just wanted to start crying but I couldn't, I felt so heart sore, but my sadness wouldn't reach the surface. I looked at myself in the mirror and the only thing I could think was that the girl I was looking at wasn't me. So I txted my boyfriend, feeling totally out of control of everything, and told him that I couldn't handle waiting for him anymore, and I was sorry. Then caused some major drama by changing my Facebook status and messaging this slut that he works with to tell her it was her fault we broke up (half true). He was super pissed. I was just... confused. I didn't know what to do, or what I'd done or why I'd done it. I was FUCKED. I took a nap and got up after dinner, then pretty much went back to sleep after I took another one of those great pills.

Day Three - Sunday (Today)

I woke up at a ridiculous hour of the morning again, thinking that there was some kind of earthquake going on before I realized that I was just shaking so bad. I turned on my electric blanket and roasted myself back to sleep. I woke up again at 5 and was awake for a while, the same thing as the night before. I started laughing then I cried a little, and I forgot my own name. I was scared and I didn't know what to do and I had no one to talk to about it. I haven't told my mum that I'm on the meds, I want to give them a chance to work properly before I tell her. Thats the only reason I'm still taking them. They take about 2 weeks to take effect fully. I don't know if I can feel like this for that long, so I'm going to go back to the Doc either Tuesday or Wednesday and tell him that. I already know what he's going to say, but I hope maybe he'll listen to me when I tell him how absolutely crazy I've been feeling. I keep seeing bugs everywhere, thinking I'm hearing people say my name, I can't control myself and I've been feeling so angry, I just want to break things - I don't feel like this when I feel like me. But I'm not me anymore. I don't know who I am. The BF txted me, telling me he missed me, but I was napping and didn't get it til later. I replied that I missed him too. Earlier I text him to tell him I wished he were here, and he asked if we could hang out tomorrow. Lets see how that goes..

I took another pill a little while ago, I haven't stopped yawning since. My jaw hurts from being so tight and clenched all the time. In positive news, the stress has made me 48 kilos and a size 8.