Day Four - Monday

So I went to school after not wanting to leave my bed at all. I almost fell asleep a few times taking notes for three hours straight. Halfway through the morning, my left leg went numb. Not in the tingly, dead-feeling kind of way, I just couldn't feel the skin or anything I did to it. I left as soon as we finished and went home to have a nap. My brother dropped me at the BFs after dinner and we hung out, which was nice... Except I think I let it go too far. He apologised and we kissed and it was nice but then we had sex and even though it still felt good it just left me feeling confused. I took my little pill before I went to see him and after the sex I was absolutley exhausted. It's like deflating a balloon. I didn't know what was going on, I couldn't stop shaking I was just a mess. We cuddled XD which was nice and I left pretty soon after. My friend S told me she wasn't going to be able to give me a ride Tuesday morning which meant I could've stayed at the BFs rather than going home, which would have been nice. Ah well. I went straight home to bed and sleep.

Day Five - Tuesday

I stayed away from school and worked from home, which is code for watched re-runs of the Kardashians. I'm a reality tv whore, I'm sorry. I blame my generation. I felt awful all day, just slow and tired and I didn't get hardly anything done, with two deadlines in two days, I'm screwed. I got a ride over to the BFs after taking another pill and we hung out with a few of his friends until close to midnight. I fell asleep and got woken up to someone telling me to get out of their car. Nice, eh? I fell asleep with y boyfriend, which was nice. That hasn't happened in a while.

Day Six - Wednesday (Today)

I woke up and woke up my BF with a nice alarm :) It was good to wake up with someone there next to you that you trust and thats happy to see you. But, after a make-up session in the shower, or the start of one, I almost blacked out and he just got weird. I think maybe he thinks I'm just doing this for attention, but I'm not, I just have no idea what is happening with my head and I haven't been eating (yay) and I just get really dizzy all the time. After he left to go to work, which was just awkward, he looked so ... lost. I went to the see the Doc again, this time he had my blood results and gave me some iron tablets and a letter for time off from school and work until Monday, which helps with work but not so much school because we finish for the first term in two days and I have two assignments I have to finish before then. I'm fucked. I'm going to bed and going to sleep and going to enjoy it. I hope. Unfortunately alone tonight, but hopefully not for long :)

Goodnight Angels,

T.

My Experiment

I've been gone for a really long time, and I'm sorry about that.

My doctor recently put me on some anti-depressants. It's new for me, and I hate it. So I thought I'd come back here, as a sort of ... experiment? I guess. With myself. I want to keep track of how I feel. I want people to know it's real, and I need to remember myself. So here goes.

Day One - Friday

I took the pill at about 11 pm the night before, the Doc said it would make me sleepy. I don't know if I fell asleep straightaway cause I've been so exhausted lately or because of the meds but I don't really care - sleep was a welcome distraction. The next day I was at school. I felt okay until I actually got there. I felt tired, and I couldn't feel my face properly, like I was drunk, or high. Like when you get to almost pass-out drunk and when you lie down the world spins so you close your eyes but that just makes you feel worse. I thought I was going to be sick the whole time, but not from my stomach, from somewhere else. My skin was numb, and I was so ... lost. I felt confused. Like I was just watching someone else doing things from inside my head. I went home early and fell asleep about 9:30, just after taking my second pill.

Day Two - Saturday

I woke up dazed at about 1:40am, not knowing where I was or what was going on. It was like being high again, everything felt strange because my skin was still numb and I just lay there in bed pulling the blankets up and down my body, freaking out and enjoying the feeling at the same time. I started laughing for no reason, and it scared me even more. I got really cold and put my electric blanket on. I fell asleep around 3am. The second time I woke up it was about 5:30am. My jaw was clenched tight and my teeth hurt. I've never ground my teeth before. It's regular now. When I woke up properly, I went to my boyfriends house. We've been taking a break these past two weeks because he's scared that if we stay together now, we'll be together forever and he's had virtually no experience with being a single guy. He asked me to wait for him to figure things out, but all I feel is that I'm waiting for him to break up with me. I went over to get some stuff I needed for school, I thought he was at work but he called in sick - he has a cold. As soon as I saw him I wanted to look after him, but my mind just started racing immediately and I knew I had this insane grin on my face, I could feel it pulling through the numbness. We talked a little bit about the meds - he's one of the only people I've told - and hanging out at some point. He fell asleep again when I left. I got home and freaked out, I just wanted to start crying but I couldn't, I felt so heart sore, but my sadness wouldn't reach the surface. I looked at myself in the mirror and the only thing I could think was that the girl I was looking at wasn't me. So I txted my boyfriend, feeling totally out of control of everything, and told him that I couldn't handle waiting for him anymore, and I was sorry. Then caused some major drama by changing my Facebook status and messaging this slut that he works with to tell her it was her fault we broke up (half true). He was super pissed. I was just... confused. I didn't know what to do, or what I'd done or why I'd done it. I was FUCKED. I took a nap and got up after dinner, then pretty much went back to sleep after I took another one of those great pills.

Day Three - Sunday (Today)

I woke up at a ridiculous hour of the morning again, thinking that there was some kind of earthquake going on before I realized that I was just shaking so bad. I turned on my electric blanket and roasted myself back to sleep. I woke up again at 5 and was awake for a while, the same thing as the night before. I started laughing then I cried a little, and I forgot my own name. I was scared and I didn't know what to do and I had no one to talk to about it. I haven't told my mum that I'm on the meds, I want to give them a chance to work properly before I tell her. Thats the only reason I'm still taking them. They take about 2 weeks to take effect fully. I don't know if I can feel like this for that long, so I'm going to go back to the Doc either Tuesday or Wednesday and tell him that. I already know what he's going to say, but I hope maybe he'll listen to me when I tell him how absolutely crazy I've been feeling. I keep seeing bugs everywhere, thinking I'm hearing people say my name, I can't control myself and I've been feeling so angry, I just want to break things - I don't feel like this when I feel like me. But I'm not me anymore. I don't know who I am. The BF txted me, telling me he missed me, but I was napping and didn't get it til later. I replied that I missed him too. Earlier I text him to tell him I wished he were here, and he asked if we could hang out tomorrow. Lets see how that goes..

I took another pill a little while ago, I haven't stopped yawning since. My jaw hurts from being so tight and clenched all the time. In positive news, the stress has made me 48 kilos and a size 8.

Love,

T.

I'm back.

Infrequently though it will be, I hope to fully revive my blog.

Today was a bad day, but as always, lets hope that tomorrow will be better.

Love to you all, Angels

T.

A New Beginning?

Thus far this year.

My grandpa died.

My grandmothers are going senile.

My aunt is depressed.

My uncle got knocked off his motorbike.

My cousins labour needs to be induced.

I lost two kilos.

I wish I were dead. Not to be over dramatic. I was thinking about it the other day, and I want a perfect day, and then I want to die.

Sometimes I live in this place where I can only be happy. It seems silly to think I could be anything but.

But sometimes, it's like everything is so close, so .. dark. I just don't know what to do. I think myself a fool for tricking myself into being so happy. How dare I?

I'm not a strong enough person to deal with the things my mind makes me think of.

Two kilos. Only eight to go.

At least one thing is going the right way.

Love and lite,

T.

Check.

Okay, so New Years Eve saw me at 3pm over at a friends pool party, drinking away my time until the bf turned up. He did, albeit reluctantly. All day I ate one sausage with a piece of bread and tomato sauce (I was too drunk to say no). Then, about 6pm, a friend of mine arrives and everything changes. No longer is A looking at me with those big, beautiful eyes. He's turned them on her. I make to hold his hand and he looks at me as if to ask "Who are you?". I can feel tears in my eyes from then on. He ignores me until we leave to go to his friends party in the city. Everything is fine until this douche-bag sleazy guy starts hitting on me. I threaten castration, and A, who is totally smashed, tells him to f*** off or he'll throw him out. I'm still bugging, and he can tell. He takes me outside, I can see the full moon, I feel like my heart is going to explode when he asks "What's up?" I don't want to answer. Somewhere away from us, his friends start a countdown. "I don't know. It's everything. Us, you, That GIRL. I saw the way you looked at her. You didn't even realise I was there." I look at him and just will him to hold me and tell me not to be silly and that he loves me.

"Do you want me to tell you something? I asked her out. About a year ago.. And she said no."

HOW THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER? HUH?

This girl is smarter, prettier, nicer, funnier than me. They have more in common, they like the same things, they do the same things, he tells her things he would never dream of even MENTIONING to me. And timing says, he asked her out about two weeks before he asked me out.

"That doesn't make me feel better at all. In fact, that just makes me feel like you should be together more."

"You're being retarded." He walks away.

"Happy New Year!" Comes from every direction. And again, at a time when I'm supposed to be most happy, I am alone, scared, crying, and wishing someone would just take me away.

We didn't sort things out till the next afternoon. I talked to my best friend, I had to know if anyone knew that he asked her out. She said she had no idea, and I believe her. I told her everything. She helped me process. There were tears, from both of us. We're weird like that, one of us can't feel something without the other feeling it too. But we just chilled for a while.

I went home about 8pm. During sometime in the morning, I was bitten by something on my leg, and having other things on my mind throughout the day, it took until I got home to realise my leg had swollen to the size of a baseball bat. My mum took me to A&E. I got antibiotics. When I got home, A called. I'm seeing him later today. My leg isn't an smaller, but I'm going to consider this case of poisoning as the perfect excuse for not eating.

I think the thing my bf just didn't get was, what if she had said yes? He would never have thought twice about me.

And, when we got together, I was so ecstatic, I was finally someone's first choice, not the back up. And because I'm friends with the girl too, I told her about it too. And this entire time she has been laughing at me. At least that's what it feels like.

Did she only say no because she knew I liked him? Oh god, did she tell him to ask me out?

Sorry. I'm over this, I swear. I know I shouldn't stir shit up, but I need to talk to her. Or is that just a bad idea?

I'm going to go. I found inspiration in the form of Control and her blog. I will post my resolutions soon.

Love to all, I hope your New Years kicked off better than mine.

Strength. Happiness. Thin. Love.

T.

Eggs.

Just a quick post because I am Hegg-sauce-ted.

Past few days have been spent with the BF, sleeping, cuddling and eating as little as humanly possible without him noticing. It's been amazing. I'm home now, and ate pasta for dinner. With cheese. To rectify the situation, I am adding to my thinspiration collection and vowing to eat only a small salad tomorrow for dinner. I have had a lot of calorie-filled drinks recently, so that will be stopped too.

I'm off to write my resolutions and sleep.

Love to all,

Stay Strong, Angels.

T.

Merr Christmas, Angels!

I post this to you only a few hours into Christmas morning, with my head held high and some fabulous news!! I Lost 2 more pounds!! And I'm not even feeling horrible and shaky yet!

Intake for the 24th was:

2 pieces fudge (70c each)

1 Light Beer (100-150)

LLB (136)

Lemonade (130)

So I did well I think. Yay!

I love you all girlies!!

Have fabulous and awesome christmas, because you all deserve it!

Love and Lite!

T.