Day Four - Monday

So I went to school after not wanting to leave my bed at all. I almost fell asleep a few times taking notes for three hours straight. Halfway through the morning, my left leg went numb. Not in the tingly, dead-feeling kind of way, I just couldn't feel the skin or anything I did to it. I left as soon as we finished and went home to have a nap. My brother dropped me at the BFs after dinner and we hung out, which was nice... Except I think I let it go too far. He apologised and we kissed and it was nice but then we had sex and even though it still felt good it just left me feeling confused. I took my little pill before I went to see him and after the sex I was absolutley exhausted. It's like deflating a balloon. I didn't know what was going on, I couldn't stop shaking I was just a mess. We cuddled XD which was nice and I left pretty soon after. My friend S told me she wasn't going to be able to give me a ride Tuesday morning which meant I could've stayed at the BFs rather than going home, which would have been nice. Ah well. I went straight home to bed and sleep.

Day Five - Tuesday

I stayed away from school and worked from home, which is code for watched re-runs of the Kardashians. I'm a reality tv whore, I'm sorry. I blame my generation. I felt awful all day, just slow and tired and I didn't get hardly anything done, with two deadlines in two days, I'm screwed. I got a ride over to the BFs after taking another pill and we hung out with a few of his friends until close to midnight. I fell asleep and got woken up to someone telling me to get out of their car. Nice, eh? I fell asleep with y boyfriend, which was nice. That hasn't happened in a while.

Day Six - Wednesday (Today)

I woke up and woke up my BF with a nice alarm :) It was good to wake up with someone there next to you that you trust and thats happy to see you. But, after a make-up session in the shower, or the start of one, I almost blacked out and he just got weird. I think maybe he thinks I'm just doing this for attention, but I'm not, I just have no idea what is happening with my head and I haven't been eating (yay) and I just get really dizzy all the time. After he left to go to work, which was just awkward, he looked so ... lost. I went to the see the Doc again, this time he had my blood results and gave me some iron tablets and a letter for time off from school and work until Monday, which helps with work but not so much school because we finish for the first term in two days and I have two assignments I have to finish before then. I'm fucked. I'm going to bed and going to sleep and going to enjoy it. I hope. Unfortunately alone tonight, but hopefully not for long :)

Goodnight Angels,

T.

My Experiment

I've been gone for a really long time, and I'm sorry about that.

My doctor recently put me on some anti-depressants. It's new for me, and I hate it. So I thought I'd come back here, as a sort of ... experiment? I guess. With myself. I want to keep track of how I feel. I want people to know it's real, and I need to remember myself. So here goes.

Day One - Friday

I took the pill at about 11 pm the night before, the Doc said it would make me sleepy. I don't know if I fell asleep straightaway cause I've been so exhausted lately or because of the meds but I don't really care - sleep was a welcome distraction. The next day I was at school. I felt okay until I actually got there. I felt tired, and I couldn't feel my face properly, like I was drunk, or high. Like when you get to almost pass-out drunk and when you lie down the world spins so you close your eyes but that just makes you feel worse. I thought I was going to be sick the whole time, but not from my stomach, from somewhere else. My skin was numb, and I was so ... lost. I felt confused. Like I was just watching someone else doing things from inside my head. I went home early and fell asleep about 9:30, just after taking my second pill.

Day Two - Saturday

I woke up dazed at about 1:40am, not knowing where I was or what was going on. It was like being high again, everything felt strange because my skin was still numb and I just lay there in bed pulling the blankets up and down my body, freaking out and enjoying the feeling at the same time. I started laughing for no reason, and it scared me even more. I got really cold and put my electric blanket on. I fell asleep around 3am. The second time I woke up it was about 5:30am. My jaw was clenched tight and my teeth hurt. I've never ground my teeth before. It's regular now. When I woke up properly, I went to my boyfriends house. We've been taking a break these past two weeks because he's scared that if we stay together now, we'll be together forever and he's had virtually no experience with being a single guy. He asked me to wait for him to figure things out, but all I feel is that I'm waiting for him to break up with me. I went over to get some stuff I needed for school, I thought he was at work but he called in sick - he has a cold. As soon as I saw him I wanted to look after him, but my mind just started racing immediately and I knew I had this insane grin on my face, I could feel it pulling through the numbness. We talked a little bit about the meds - he's one of the only people I've told - and hanging out at some point. He fell asleep again when I left. I got home and freaked out, I just wanted to start crying but I couldn't, I felt so heart sore, but my sadness wouldn't reach the surface. I looked at myself in the mirror and the only thing I could think was that the girl I was looking at wasn't me. So I txted my boyfriend, feeling totally out of control of everything, and told him that I couldn't handle waiting for him anymore, and I was sorry. Then caused some major drama by changing my Facebook status and messaging this slut that he works with to tell her it was her fault we broke up (half true). He was super pissed. I was just... confused. I didn't know what to do, or what I'd done or why I'd done it. I was FUCKED. I took a nap and got up after dinner, then pretty much went back to sleep after I took another one of those great pills.

Day Three - Sunday (Today)

I woke up at a ridiculous hour of the morning again, thinking that there was some kind of earthquake going on before I realized that I was just shaking so bad. I turned on my electric blanket and roasted myself back to sleep. I woke up again at 5 and was awake for a while, the same thing as the night before. I started laughing then I cried a little, and I forgot my own name. I was scared and I didn't know what to do and I had no one to talk to about it. I haven't told my mum that I'm on the meds, I want to give them a chance to work properly before I tell her. Thats the only reason I'm still taking them. They take about 2 weeks to take effect fully. I don't know if I can feel like this for that long, so I'm going to go back to the Doc either Tuesday or Wednesday and tell him that. I already know what he's going to say, but I hope maybe he'll listen to me when I tell him how absolutely crazy I've been feeling. I keep seeing bugs everywhere, thinking I'm hearing people say my name, I can't control myself and I've been feeling so angry, I just want to break things - I don't feel like this when I feel like me. But I'm not me anymore. I don't know who I am. The BF txted me, telling me he missed me, but I was napping and didn't get it til later. I replied that I missed him too. Earlier I text him to tell him I wished he were here, and he asked if we could hang out tomorrow. Lets see how that goes..

I took another pill a little while ago, I haven't stopped yawning since. My jaw hurts from being so tight and clenched all the time. In positive news, the stress has made me 48 kilos and a size 8.

Love,

T.

I'm back.

Infrequently though it will be, I hope to fully revive my blog.

Today was a bad day, but as always, lets hope that tomorrow will be better.

Love to you all, Angels

T.

A New Beginning?

Thus far this year.

My grandpa died.

My grandmothers are going senile.

My aunt is depressed.

My uncle got knocked off his motorbike.

My cousins labour needs to be induced.

I lost two kilos.

I wish I were dead. Not to be over dramatic. I was thinking about it the other day, and I want a perfect day, and then I want to die.

Sometimes I live in this place where I can only be happy. It seems silly to think I could be anything but.

But sometimes, it's like everything is so close, so .. dark. I just don't know what to do. I think myself a fool for tricking myself into being so happy. How dare I?

I'm not a strong enough person to deal with the things my mind makes me think of.

Two kilos. Only eight to go.

At least one thing is going the right way.

Love and lite,

T.

Check.

Okay, so New Years Eve saw me at 3pm over at a friends pool party, drinking away my time until the bf turned up. He did, albeit reluctantly. All day I ate one sausage with a piece of bread and tomato sauce (I was too drunk to say no). Then, about 6pm, a friend of mine arrives and everything changes. No longer is A looking at me with those big, beautiful eyes. He's turned them on her. I make to hold his hand and he looks at me as if to ask "Who are you?". I can feel tears in my eyes from then on. He ignores me until we leave to go to his friends party in the city. Everything is fine until this douche-bag sleazy guy starts hitting on me. I threaten castration, and A, who is totally smashed, tells him to f*** off or he'll throw him out. I'm still bugging, and he can tell. He takes me outside, I can see the full moon, I feel like my heart is going to explode when he asks "What's up?" I don't want to answer. Somewhere away from us, his friends start a countdown. "I don't know. It's everything. Us, you, That GIRL. I saw the way you looked at her. You didn't even realise I was there." I look at him and just will him to hold me and tell me not to be silly and that he loves me.

"Do you want me to tell you something? I asked her out. About a year ago.. And she said no."

HOW THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER? HUH?

This girl is smarter, prettier, nicer, funnier than me. They have more in common, they like the same things, they do the same things, he tells her things he would never dream of even MENTIONING to me. And timing says, he asked her out about two weeks before he asked me out.

"That doesn't make me feel better at all. In fact, that just makes me feel like you should be together more."

"You're being retarded." He walks away.

"Happy New Year!" Comes from every direction. And again, at a time when I'm supposed to be most happy, I am alone, scared, crying, and wishing someone would just take me away.

We didn't sort things out till the next afternoon. I talked to my best friend, I had to know if anyone knew that he asked her out. She said she had no idea, and I believe her. I told her everything. She helped me process. There were tears, from both of us. We're weird like that, one of us can't feel something without the other feeling it too. But we just chilled for a while.

I went home about 8pm. During sometime in the morning, I was bitten by something on my leg, and having other things on my mind throughout the day, it took until I got home to realise my leg had swollen to the size of a baseball bat. My mum took me to A&E. I got antibiotics. When I got home, A called. I'm seeing him later today. My leg isn't an smaller, but I'm going to consider this case of poisoning as the perfect excuse for not eating.

I think the thing my bf just didn't get was, what if she had said yes? He would never have thought twice about me.

And, when we got together, I was so ecstatic, I was finally someone's first choice, not the back up. And because I'm friends with the girl too, I told her about it too. And this entire time she has been laughing at me. At least that's what it feels like.

Did she only say no because she knew I liked him? Oh god, did she tell him to ask me out?

Sorry. I'm over this, I swear. I know I shouldn't stir shit up, but I need to talk to her. Or is that just a bad idea?

I'm going to go. I found inspiration in the form of Control and her blog. I will post my resolutions soon.

Love to all, I hope your New Years kicked off better than mine.

Strength. Happiness. Thin. Love.

T.

Eggs.

Just a quick post because I am Hegg-sauce-ted.

Past few days have been spent with the BF, sleeping, cuddling and eating as little as humanly possible without him noticing. It's been amazing. I'm home now, and ate pasta for dinner. With cheese. To rectify the situation, I am adding to my thinspiration collection and vowing to eat only a small salad tomorrow for dinner. I have had a lot of calorie-filled drinks recently, so that will be stopped too.

I'm off to write my resolutions and sleep.

Love to all,

Stay Strong, Angels.

T.

Merr Christmas, Angels!

I post this to you only a few hours into Christmas morning, with my head held high and some fabulous news!! I Lost 2 more pounds!! And I'm not even feeling horrible and shaky yet!

Intake for the 24th was:

2 pieces fudge (70c each)

1 Light Beer (100-150)

LLB (136)

Lemonade (130)

So I did well I think. Yay!

I love you all girlies!!

Have fabulous and awesome christmas, because you all deserve it!

Love and Lite!

T.

Good Days

Today has been one of them. So far.

Going to see a film with my brother and sister later.

Intake so far:

Sugar (In candy form)

Sausage (1)

Bread (1 Slice)

Cake (1/2 Slice)

Beer (2 bottles)

And water.

So my actual amounts are down, even if I'm not eating the best of things. Even though I'm still eating. I'm happy.

More later.

Love and Lite,

T.

Number 2.

Oh Families.

Don't they make you feel loved?

Been drinking lots of water today, and my intake was pretty good.

Went to meet my besties at the mall and we got coffee (fruit smoothie for me - fresh & yummy). Then I made the mistake of listening to my friends and getting MacDonald's. I still feel ill. Then I went to my bfs mums house for 'dinner'. I was supposed to meet him there. He was late. She had friends over. Awkwardness ensued. Hardly ate a thing, I don't think it got noticed which was good.

My boyfriend was tired and overwhelmed and just wanted to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie, which obviously we couldn't do. So he wasn't very happy. He threw a bit of a wobbly which was annoying I got it. But then, his mum went to talk to him and came back and I asked, "Is he okay?", to which she replied, "I don't know, he's your boyfriend, you talk to him." I know she's had a few, but seriously. That's just rude. I know he's her little boy and no ones good enough for him, but being POLITE isn't too much to ask, is it? She constantly makes jibes at me about being with him. I've never been rude (not that I know of, at least), always offered to help, always said please and thank you. I just don't get her. And I've never said it to the bf. Never mentioned it. I know I'll just keep putting up with it. But it still gets to me. I know that its unrealistic to say we'll be together forever, but I want to be with him for as long as I can. As long as I love him and he loves me. I think she wants me gone as soon as possible.

Rant over.

I'm going to load up The Sims and have a few hours of mindless gaming. Yay.

Oh, and I can't find a job. Life just keeps getting better.

Love and Strength,

T.

Back.

So. I admit, I've been back a few days (more like a week) and excuses aside, I haven't known a way to write anything. Truly. I've been so lost these few days.

I suppose I should start by apologising. I'm so sorry for my absence. It's been far too long.

Next, good news, my boyfriend doesn't hate me. And I lost 2kgs.

Bad news? My mums still a raging drunk and I only see my dad at dinner time.

So ups and downs all around.

I know this is an incredibly lame post to start back with, but I knew if I didn't atleast try to say something now, I never would.

More soon angels,

T.

A Cautious Return

Only a short post again, cause I am still being watched. Have been keeping cals as low as possible without drawing attention, around 7-800, and only eating when everyone else is. Have started exercising at night before bed (not the best I know). Only a week til I go home and can be left alone.

Stay strong my Angels.

T.

I'm posting quickly because i don't know how much time I have.

My aunt found an old journal of mine I was throwing away. Mess ensued.

I don't have anyone over here I can trust anymore.

I'm scared. But I'm doing better.

I love you all, stay strong.

I'll be back,

T.

Ack.

So. I apologise. I just re-read my post from last night. I don't even know what is going on with me lately. I can hardly remember writing it. But it is true, so thank you to those who commented. I will be weighing in on Friday night.

Today's intake has been far better than usual. I have killer stomach ache right now, I don't know why. And I am expecting my period any day. And. I leave for home in three weeks..!

I'm excited. And anxious. And happy and terrified, and a billion other things.

I just don't know anymore.

For Christmas, cause I am poor, I am making everyone gifts. And giving them all candy. And baking cupcakes. I am obsessed with cupcakes. Not that I especially like eating them, but I love baking and decorating them. Cupcakes in little baskets with other candies. I'm a douche. A poor one. But hopefully people will think I'm relatively normal. Ish.

I just don't know. I apologise.

More in an hour or several.

T.

SOS..

People, this is not a drill!

I am coming to you on my fucking knees. I am desperate. I am unsure. I am FUCKING SCARED.

Why? Why is she being so crazy/sweary/weird?

Because I am insane. Have been for a while. And I need some assurance. I need motivation. I need competition.

I am depressed. I am suicidal. I am hopeless. I am lost.

I really don't know what to do anymore and I fucking HATE feeling like this.

So. My girls, my darlings, My Ana Angels. From now on I am running competitions. Who can lose the most? We'll see.

Comp number one will run from the 11/11 till midnight on the 13/11. Lucky Friday.

Because I need this. I need direction. I need a reason to wake up in the morning. Cause right now, being alive just isn't doing it for me.

Email if your interested.

I love you all.

T.

A Fairytale...

Much to her horror, the evil demons of Fridge Freezer once again stormed the holy land of My Body. The Princess would have fought valiantly, had they not snuck upon her in the manner that they did, luring her with promises of tomorrow, she succumbed to their evil, believing their lies. In chains she wept. The poison only hurt her more and more, but still, they told her it was good. And she believed. Finally Prince Blogg of Er stumbled upon her and set her free of her captors, sharing with her stories of other princesses who had succumbed to the minions of Food, the evil ruler of Fridge Freezer. And the Prince told the Princess of all the other wonderful people who had overcome the poison from Food, and freed themselves. Her faith renewed, she allowed the Prince to take her away to Er, and she lived happily among the other Princesses, never again falling for the evil tricks of Food.

I wish someone would take me away.

Loving and hoping for better days,

T.

Whoop-woop!

So I have been trying very, very hard to read everyones blog posts that I missed out on from when I was away, But if anyone has looked at my profile and seen how many people I follow ... It's hard to catch up, but I am trying.

Good news! I lost 4lbs in my challenge. Bad news? Instead of starting off at 130, I started at closer to 135. Sucky. But I restricted and lost and have since continued to do so. My weight has stayed pretty much the same for the past three or so months so I'm just happy it changed really, even if it did go up and down rather than just down. I think that after restricting and seeing results I was just happy to know that I was actually making a difference this time. So victory!

I've decided that I need some structure to my day, and that means eating three times a day at set meals. So this morning I had porridge, 200, and for lunch a muffin, and it sounds silly but I didn't realise it was chocolate chip until I bit into it. Was 305. Am bursting with hunger now but am filling myself with diet coke and green tea until dinnertime, which is about an hour and a half away. A tiny amount of time, but a struggle for me right now.

Yesterday I spent about half an hour on the Wii, boxing. My arms kill right now. Have decided to put in place an exercise plan for each day. Not exactly sure what yet, but I'm sure I'll let you know!

Anyway. I'm getting that belly-cramping, headache-y fuzzy feeling right about now. Am contemplating some juice. I know I should avoid liquid cals at all costs, but I've been peeing so much lately, everything just goes straight through me anyway. Sorry if that was TMI, just thought I'd let everyone know!! No such thing as personal space on the Internet.

More later. After dinner, which I made, yay, but has heaps of meat and greasy gross things and pasta (my one true weakness).

Wish me luck.

Love and lite to all.

T.

YAW!

I'm off to pack! I'm so excited!!

Love and best wishes for the week!!

XOX

T.

Neuff.

First off: Thanks SBB, you make me feel like a not-so-evil person :)

As for Fallen Angel? I'm in. Starting at 130. Luck, and love, to all those involved.

WELL!. I'd love to lie and say I've fasted all day today, but I haven't. I ate my dinner, which was this pasta thing with chicken. I left 90% of the chicken, but ate the rest. I guesstimate about 800 Cal's, which sucks. BUT. I did discover Gods greatest invention: Flavoured Diet Coke. Zesty Lime to be exact. I love Superdrug.

So overall I'm quite happy. Not over-the-moon-I-can't-believe-how-awesome-I-am happy, but happy-with-what-a-good-day-I've-had happy.

Can you tell I love hyphenating those things?

This is the sugar/happiness rush y'all are getting.

So. For as soon as I get my ass off the computer I am going to do some yoga-thingies, then pack my suitcase for Wednesday, which is when I go away. I'm super-duper (thats the hyperactivity talking) excited about going away. It's just a holiday, not really sight-seeing or anything, but it'll be warm and an excuse not to shove food down my throat for lack of anything better. I don't get back until the fourth (I think) but fingers crossed I get internet access before then cause it took me three hours to catch up on three days worth of posties.

Enough about that. Ahem.

I bought cds today. I admit, I am a huge Paramore fan, have been for several years. I haven't got their latest album yet, but I have a heap of their music from other albums and live shows. Ill Eagle downloading, YAY! But I went out today to buy my Grandmothers BDay present (Barbara Streisand, shiver) and found their two previous cds on sale for half price. Don't get me wrong, downloading suits me fine, BUT. I am a psycho and love having proper copies of things. Like when A said he would put all of NIN on my iPod for me, I went out and bought most of the cds anyway. Sshhh. I guess I just like having full collections or something. This way I get al the info from the cds, so I don't care.

Told you, psycho.

Have been looking up all things halloween-y so my sister can have a party. I love themed parties. So much. I am having abillions of them when I go home.

I'm going to go before I start rambling aimlessly. Hem.

Love to you all!!

T.

Chomba-Womba

As expected, as soon as everyone left, the first thing I did was reach for the cookie jar. Metaphorically and physically. I mean, it would have only been physically but there are places in this house that cookie-like products are kept that are not jars. There are cupboards and basket-things and the fridge. And freezer.

God I hate failing. Tomorrow I am calling a fast. Nothing but water (if I need it) all day. I just want to know I can do it for one day, the way I used to. Why do people have to change?

In other news, I have successfully viewed the premiere of season two of Dollhouse. Joss, I love you! and recorded the second. I will now sit with my uncle until he goes to bed and then watch it. And then wake up at a ridiculous time n the morning in order to go to town to buy my Grandmothers birthday present. She is my second favourite person I know in the world ever. I love her.

I was going to go to my aunts house today. I was supposed to go yesterday, but I didn't. The fight with my mum this morning just made me not want to do anything. My uncle is lovely, but he's such a jerk sometimes. He left my aunt for no reason other than he needed space. They had a three storey house!! That was a few years ago, but I still want to punch him over it every time I see him. And he's one of those people that knows everything. gah. I don't know why she's with him. He's the reason she almost died last year.

Sigh. That took a lot for me to get out, cause I've never talked to anyone about it in real life, not really. He drove the car that night. he swerved it and crashed into a tree. He walked out of hospital while she was lying there, the rest of us not knowing if she'd live. While the first thing she said was "Where is he? Is he okay?" (through her shock and blood loss), the first thing he did was complain about his cuts. He doesn't even have so much as a scar. She's going to be unable to work ever again (which she left school at the age of 16 to do), and permanently disabled for the rest of her life. I truly resent him. Does it make me a bad person to wish he were in her place? Why is it that some people always get off Scott-free?

I feel disgusted. Am taking laxies before bed for the next three days. I go away to Cyprus on Wednesday. More photo's to be had! I hope that my Gran has good time (I'm going with her).

Why is it that God only tests the good people?

Much love and light, and I am feeling positive, even though this post doesn't seem it,

T.

To Be Ignored...

[WARNING] : Not to be read by happy people. Or sane ones.

So.

I just typed out a majorly long entry, but then I thought, no wait. And deleted it.

Have been listening to a lot of music lately. I can't ever seem to get to sleep, so I sleep when I can, which is generally between 5am-1pm. It's a natural cycle. Well. This makes my uncle really annoyed cause I waste the day and don't do anything around the house and just end up all lazy and ungrateful. Which is right. I've suffered with insomnia before but this is different. Have resolved to see my doctor about sleeping pills when i get home. Which is in about 5 1/2 weeks. I know it's bad but I'm really excited. And I'll be moving in with A next year (and yes, he apologised and we resolved things :) ). And I'll be studying full time, and working and seeing my friends, and keeping busy and not getting fat.

I have this ideal that when I go home and start doing things again, and especially next year, I will be running around everywhere, being a totally transformed awesomely stylish girl who studies in the city and has her own place and works and has everything totally under control. And when all of this happens, people won't notice when I stop eating, and start disappearing. They'll look at me one day and say "Oh my God, you look amazing, are they size 6?!" and I can just smile at them and be so proud of myself that I got to this amazing point in my life that everything goes well. I'll be the perfect student, top of my class, the perfect employee, the perfect friend, everybody's friend.

I've also resolved that when my sister decides she's had enough of living with my parents that she's going to stay with me. She'll be welcome anytime and I'll be that awesome big sister who lets her and her friends come over and lends them clothes the first time they sneak into clubs. And I'll help her with her boy/school/friend issues and just be the person that she's always wanted me to be, that I've always wanted to have.

I'll be zen, and perfect and amazing, and that person who everyone looks up to, and who everyone wants to be, or be friends with. I will be perfect. I have to be perfect.

And no, I don't think I'm asking too much of myself. I don't think that it's unfair to put that much pressure on myself. I don't think that I'll fall at the first hurdle. Because I can't. I won't let myself. This is not a cause of empty promises. This is the rest of my life. Or the beginning of it at least.

Thinking back, I wish I could re-do the last 7 years of my life. The years where I made all my friends, and enemies. The years I got into trouble, I started dating (more trouble), the years where I wanted to grow up far, far too fast when really all I needed was to slow down. Is it sad at eighteen to want to re-do half of your life? I think I'd give everything, what I have now, my future with A, all of my friends. If I could go back, I would do things so much better. I could stop my mum from drinking, my sister from getting hurt, my brother from being a pot-head. I could make sure I don't do the mistakes I have done. I would do well in school, quit my laziness. I'd stay away from the people who hurt me. Or get closer, I haven't decided yet.

Yesterday was a bad day. Today has been good, I think.

So far at least. I'm looking forward to an early bedtime.

I miss drowning in sleep from my mum's morphine.

I just want to go home.

This is a long post.

i used to be crazy, you know. The sits-in-a-corner-mumbling-nonsense-rocking-back-and-forth kind of crazy. Imagining horrible, beautiful things. Seeing faces where there was dust. Counting days till an Armageddon that never happened. Wishing upon hopes of wishes that I die, be taken away, get locked up, drugged up, knocked up, battered, alone, bleeding. Hoping someone would hear when I called, but no one.

Beating songs of soldiers into my head. Hearing about their missing limbs and wishing I was them and that they would see we're not that different.

Someday, I thought, I'll fly away. Someday, I'll be famous. Someday, my mum will apologise to me, and actually mean it. Someday I'll be happy.

A lot of things rest on my mother, but I don't count on her to be there when I fall. That's what I've got myself for. All this fat makes for a soft landing, right mum?

More later, definitely.

T.