Wowee.

Epic McPhailey-Phail has returned. I was in bed pretty much all day yesterday due to not feeling well, and just as I get up to get a drink, dinner arrives, and my aunt has dished me a plate. so I eat the smallest possible amount to make her happy then sit around for a few hours, then back up to bed at 12:30, where I got about 2 hours sleep. Then read for three, waited another hour and a half and went for a jog. PHAIL JOG. I think I might have developed asthma, cause even now I can't breathe. The jog was only around the park once (I'm starting slow), it took ten minutes. I've been home half an hour!

I felt so ill, the first thing I did was reach for .. food. Not even just crackers or something, but a giant butter croissant. with jam. that had seeds. Feel even sicker, and also disgusted with myself. Had a diet coke and am going to sleep for a few hours now. Later I will go shopping for my ABC. Mostly powdered soup (cause I can't cook, and it's easier to count) and low cal crackers and brownbread. I figure I won't freak out about looking in the kitchen cupboards then, trying to find something to eat, cause it'll already be there, waiting, saying, "Pick me, I'm low cal, don't worry, it's safe!". I know I over-think things, so shoot me. Starting tomorrow, I'm being very very strict. I just want to be happy.

Love and Pieces.

T.

Epic Phail.

Kay, So yesterday was officially my binge day. Horrible. I know that If I hadn't eaten much yesterday, this would be HEAPS easier. Damn chocolate and it's obsessive qualities.

So I ate far too much chocolate, then had greasy chips and chicken fried rice. I feel so ill. Which makes it easier to tell my auntie I don't want to eat this weekend. She had a stomach-flu-thingy a week or so ago, so I'm just going to tell her I was ill this morning and don't trust myself to eat. Which I don't anyway (trust myself, that is), in case I binge again. And so the fast begins!

Apart from feeling horribly tired (I can't seem to sleep at a decent hour at all), I'm not hungry. Just have this weird lump in my throat that makes me feel like I want to vomit, but I don't think I will. Anyway. Today I'm on green tea. And I've had this acai berry supplement, which (surprising though it is) doesn't make me feel as hungry as I probably should.

I decided last night that I'm just going to try to fast for as long as I can. And if I feel horrible, I'll just eat crackers. They're like 18 Cal's each, but I figure if I eat them slowly enough, I'll be fine.

I'm not going to do as much exercise this weekend, just my yoga. I think, if I don't push myself physically, it'll be a lot easier to not break my fast. Does that make sense? Or is it just silly and another account to my laziness?

Seriously, guys, a large lump in my throat. Terrible ill feeling, and not able to vomit. Horrible. I hate being this way.

Going to my grandmothers house on Monday or Tuesday, to weight myself. My aunt has electric Weight Watchers scales but I can't seem to work them, LOL. Another Epic McPhail.

Just been reading the ABC. I think, after this weekend, I'll start it. Eaither that or I'll just not eat. But I'm planning my food now so I don't freak out and not know what to eat. I'm such a nerd.

And I'm rambling, I apologise.

Much love and strength,

T.

Update...

Just did a half an hour on the bike, and am going to do my yoga stretches before I walk to my aunts. Already had another chocolate biscuit (I'm addicted) and there is another chocolate bar infront of my which I am going to put back before I go upstairs. I just have to remember that eating these things doesn't actually make me happy, and thats what I want. To be happy, with myself and my body and my life.

Just had a nosey at some other StruggleBlogs, and can just say, AnaGirls are so nice!

I hope I make some friends.

Love and Strength.

T.

Day Three

So I only got up an hour or so ago, but I've already had two chocolate bars! And I'm supposed to be having take out with my aunt and uncle. Cause they live twenty minutes away, I figure if I walk I'll burn off a little bit, Plus, I have my yoga and Pilate's to do, and I'm going on the exercise bike as soon as this post is finished. It's in a room which has a TV, so hopefully I won't get bored and decided to stop early.

Yesterday I couldn't get to sleep till almost 4am. Does anyone know anything that can help with that? I listened to music, read a book, watched TV, and was still awake til almost sunrise. I hate it, cause it means I'm wasting most of the day cause I'm either too lazy, or too tired, to do anything afterward. The only plus is, my hunger dissipates in my sleep, so when I get up I only need something small, like a cracker, and I'm fine till dinner. Except for today, when I failed.

I've also been drinking a lot of diet coke, which, okay, is better than regular coke, but I don't like it. The water around here is practically undrinkable, and we don't have any bottles left, and I haven't really felt like having any tea. I'm thinking about going vegetarian though, because I don't really like eating meat. The texture, and thinking about where it's come from? Just makes me want to be sick. Which would be okay if I could actually be sick, but as it so happens, I have an iron stomach.

Speaking of stomachs, here is mine.

I promised, so there they are. My measurements are far too embarassing, so they aren't going anywhere near here till I've lost a bit of weight.

Which fast food won't help, so, as promised, I am off to the bike!

Any tips, pointers, advice or encouragement would really be appreciated.

Love and Light,

T.

Well...

Okay, So I decided to post again, after reading some other struggle-blogs. Cause thats what I'm calling them, so there.

The reson I want to lose weight is, I'm on a holiday to my birth country, and I have a boyfriend back home, who I love, adore and idolise. He doesn't want me to be anorexic, but I just want to be thin. I don't see anything wrong with that to be honest.I leave here December 2, and by that time I hope to have lost atleast 15 kgs, or just over 30lbs.So, I have two months of regular fasting, increasing exercise, and attempted vegetarianism in order to get to my goal weight.

Because it's getting into winter at the moment, all I'm being cooked is chicken and beef and creamy sauces and pasta. So, starting tonight, I'm leaving half of what's onmy plate. I'm staying with my uncle and aunt, so it's easy to say I've eaten during the day cause they're both at work, and there's no one else to check on me.

This week, my major challenge has bene giving up chocolate, which has been the bane of my existence since I arrived here. Because of it, i have put on 10lbs, which I hate. So, I decided, this week, no chocolate. Monday I failed. But Tuesday, Wednesday and today have been fine. I don't really miss it, but I've decided to let myself have one chocolate treat on friday night before my weekend green tea and water fast. It'll be the first one I've attempted, and fingers crossed it goes well.

I'm hoping, because my aunt and uncle are distracted, they won't really notice that I'm not eating. But because I'm limiting my money at the moment, I won't be able to go out to distract myself, so I expect I'll be posting a lot over the next few days.

Today I approximated that I ate about 400-500 cals, and cycled for half an hour, burning about the same (I think).

To be honest, I'm pleased with myself for being able to cut my cals like that. Previously, if I wanted to have something I would (explains the 10 lbs, right?), but now, whenever I think about snacking, I ask myself, Am I really hungry? Or just thirsty? And, Do I seriously want to spend an hour working off something that will take me 1 minute to eat?

So it all works out. I'm not saying I expect it to be easy, but since I've made my decision, and I've told you about it, I expect my resolve will be strengthened. And just so I don't deviate, next post (which will be tomorrow), will have my 'before' pics. Each Friday I will post another one. Hopefully there'll be improvements.

Much love and strength,

T

Day Two...

I figured that starting a journal, and gettinginvolved with online communities will make me fele better and encourage me to do better in the tasks that I've set myself.

Wish me luck everyone,

T