YAW!

I'm off to pack! I'm so excited!!

Love and best wishes for the week!!

XOX

T.

Neuff.

First off: Thanks SBB, you make me feel like a not-so-evil person :)

As for Fallen Angel? I'm in. Starting at 130. Luck, and love, to all those involved.

WELL!. I'd love to lie and say I've fasted all day today, but I haven't. I ate my dinner, which was this pasta thing with chicken. I left 90% of the chicken, but ate the rest. I guesstimate about 800 Cal's, which sucks. BUT. I did discover Gods greatest invention: Flavoured Diet Coke. Zesty Lime to be exact. I love Superdrug.

So overall I'm quite happy. Not over-the-moon-I-can't-believe-how-awesome-I-am happy, but happy-with-what-a-good-day-I've-had happy.

Can you tell I love hyphenating those things?

This is the sugar/happiness rush y'all are getting.

So. For as soon as I get my ass off the computer I am going to do some yoga-thingies, then pack my suitcase for Wednesday, which is when I go away. I'm super-duper (thats the hyperactivity talking) excited about going away. It's just a holiday, not really sight-seeing or anything, but it'll be warm and an excuse not to shove food down my throat for lack of anything better. I don't get back until the fourth (I think) but fingers crossed I get internet access before then cause it took me three hours to catch up on three days worth of posties.

Enough about that. Ahem.

I bought cds today. I admit, I am a huge Paramore fan, have been for several years. I haven't got their latest album yet, but I have a heap of their music from other albums and live shows. Ill Eagle downloading, YAY! But I went out today to buy my Grandmothers BDay present (Barbara Streisand, shiver) and found their two previous cds on sale for half price. Don't get me wrong, downloading suits me fine, BUT. I am a psycho and love having proper copies of things. Like when A said he would put all of NIN on my iPod for me, I went out and bought most of the cds anyway. Sshhh. I guess I just like having full collections or something. This way I get al the info from the cds, so I don't care.

Told you, psycho.

Have been looking up all things halloween-y so my sister can have a party. I love themed parties. So much. I am having abillions of them when I go home.

I'm going to go before I start rambling aimlessly. Hem.

Love to you all!!

T.

Chomba-Womba

As expected, as soon as everyone left, the first thing I did was reach for the cookie jar. Metaphorically and physically. I mean, it would have only been physically but there are places in this house that cookie-like products are kept that are not jars. There are cupboards and basket-things and the fridge. And freezer.

God I hate failing. Tomorrow I am calling a fast. Nothing but water (if I need it) all day. I just want to know I can do it for one day, the way I used to. Why do people have to change?

In other news, I have successfully viewed the premiere of season two of Dollhouse. Joss, I love you! and recorded the second. I will now sit with my uncle until he goes to bed and then watch it. And then wake up at a ridiculous time n the morning in order to go to town to buy my Grandmothers birthday present. She is my second favourite person I know in the world ever. I love her.

I was going to go to my aunts house today. I was supposed to go yesterday, but I didn't. The fight with my mum this morning just made me not want to do anything. My uncle is lovely, but he's such a jerk sometimes. He left my aunt for no reason other than he needed space. They had a three storey house!! That was a few years ago, but I still want to punch him over it every time I see him. And he's one of those people that knows everything. gah. I don't know why she's with him. He's the reason she almost died last year.

Sigh. That took a lot for me to get out, cause I've never talked to anyone about it in real life, not really. He drove the car that night. he swerved it and crashed into a tree. He walked out of hospital while she was lying there, the rest of us not knowing if she'd live. While the first thing she said was "Where is he? Is he okay?" (through her shock and blood loss), the first thing he did was complain about his cuts. He doesn't even have so much as a scar. She's going to be unable to work ever again (which she left school at the age of 16 to do), and permanently disabled for the rest of her life. I truly resent him. Does it make me a bad person to wish he were in her place? Why is it that some people always get off Scott-free?

I feel disgusted. Am taking laxies before bed for the next three days. I go away to Cyprus on Wednesday. More photo's to be had! I hope that my Gran has good time (I'm going with her).

Why is it that God only tests the good people?

Much love and light, and I am feeling positive, even though this post doesn't seem it,

T.

To Be Ignored...

[WARNING] : Not to be read by happy people. Or sane ones.

So.

I just typed out a majorly long entry, but then I thought, no wait. And deleted it.

Have been listening to a lot of music lately. I can't ever seem to get to sleep, so I sleep when I can, which is generally between 5am-1pm. It's a natural cycle. Well. This makes my uncle really annoyed cause I waste the day and don't do anything around the house and just end up all lazy and ungrateful. Which is right. I've suffered with insomnia before but this is different. Have resolved to see my doctor about sleeping pills when i get home. Which is in about 5 1/2 weeks. I know it's bad but I'm really excited. And I'll be moving in with A next year (and yes, he apologised and we resolved things :) ). And I'll be studying full time, and working and seeing my friends, and keeping busy and not getting fat.

I have this ideal that when I go home and start doing things again, and especially next year, I will be running around everywhere, being a totally transformed awesomely stylish girl who studies in the city and has her own place and works and has everything totally under control. And when all of this happens, people won't notice when I stop eating, and start disappearing. They'll look at me one day and say "Oh my God, you look amazing, are they size 6?!" and I can just smile at them and be so proud of myself that I got to this amazing point in my life that everything goes well. I'll be the perfect student, top of my class, the perfect employee, the perfect friend, everybody's friend.

I've also resolved that when my sister decides she's had enough of living with my parents that she's going to stay with me. She'll be welcome anytime and I'll be that awesome big sister who lets her and her friends come over and lends them clothes the first time they sneak into clubs. And I'll help her with her boy/school/friend issues and just be the person that she's always wanted me to be, that I've always wanted to have.

I'll be zen, and perfect and amazing, and that person who everyone looks up to, and who everyone wants to be, or be friends with. I will be perfect. I have to be perfect.

And no, I don't think I'm asking too much of myself. I don't think that it's unfair to put that much pressure on myself. I don't think that I'll fall at the first hurdle. Because I can't. I won't let myself. This is not a cause of empty promises. This is the rest of my life. Or the beginning of it at least.

Thinking back, I wish I could re-do the last 7 years of my life. The years where I made all my friends, and enemies. The years I got into trouble, I started dating (more trouble), the years where I wanted to grow up far, far too fast when really all I needed was to slow down. Is it sad at eighteen to want to re-do half of your life? I think I'd give everything, what I have now, my future with A, all of my friends. If I could go back, I would do things so much better. I could stop my mum from drinking, my sister from getting hurt, my brother from being a pot-head. I could make sure I don't do the mistakes I have done. I would do well in school, quit my laziness. I'd stay away from the people who hurt me. Or get closer, I haven't decided yet.

Yesterday was a bad day. Today has been good, I think.

So far at least. I'm looking forward to an early bedtime.

I miss drowning in sleep from my mum's morphine.

I just want to go home.

This is a long post.

i used to be crazy, you know. The sits-in-a-corner-mumbling-nonsense-rocking-back-and-forth kind of crazy. Imagining horrible, beautiful things. Seeing faces where there was dust. Counting days till an Armageddon that never happened. Wishing upon hopes of wishes that I die, be taken away, get locked up, drugged up, knocked up, battered, alone, bleeding. Hoping someone would hear when I called, but no one.

Beating songs of soldiers into my head. Hearing about their missing limbs and wishing I was them and that they would see we're not that different.

Someday, I thought, I'll fly away. Someday, I'll be famous. Someday, my mum will apologise to me, and actually mean it. Someday I'll be happy.

A lot of things rest on my mother, but I don't count on her to be there when I fall. That's what I've got myself for. All this fat makes for a soft landing, right mum?

More later, definitely.

T.

Wooh.

Okay, so I sort of had an epiphany reading through some blogs just now, and I figure I need to set myself non-weight goals. While I'm not really doing anything for the next couple months, I need things to do so that I don't turn to the fridge. So starting from the end of this blog post, tonight, I am going to finish off the second half of the book I'm reading. It's not going to be difficult, it's a chick-lit one designed to make you feel empowered and enjoy being a woman and blah-blah-blah. But the main character is a dim-witted socialite who can only come up with perfectly good reasons for not eating. So I like it.

Tomorrow, I am going to be up at a reasonable hour (about 8am) and I am going shopping with my aunt. It's food shopping, but I figure if I convince her not to buy chocolates etc, I won't be convinced to eat them. Yay for fruit!! And then after that I am going to read most of the other chick lit book I have here. Cause they're easy and distracting.

For now that's all the goals I am going to set myself. I think if I go overboard I will just get overwhelmed and not do anything. So yay for executive decisions!

Updating tomorrow, lovely ladies! I hope you are all well and happy.

(Can you tell I'm starving for no reason and resisting the kitchen??)

Love and strength!!

T.

A New Day?

Firstly, let me thank everyone who commented on my previous post. I'm sorry you all had to suffer reading that thing, I shudder to look back at it. I really hate being a whinge-y person, but I guess that's why I came online to write in the first place, isn't it?

So thank you for all the support and the love you sent my way. Reading your comments just before really made me feel ... Just amazed, to be honest. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

I'm slowly but surely making my way through all of the posts I missed out on while I was away, and hopefully I can make some of you feel the way that you made me.

Secondly, Barcelona. Was amazing. Really. Not the best weather, but I was with my Auntie, who I have to say, even though it's totally unintentional, is complete thinspiration. She is one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen, and has one of the most beautiful souls I've ever met. So my time spent with her was amazing. And Spanish coffee kicks ass. Seriously.

While I was there I found the second album from a band I love called Cinema Bizarre. They're weird, adorable and pretty much angsty teen-pop. But angsty so it's totally okay for an 18-year-old girl to like them, right? They remind me of Britney Spears. If she was all emo. And dark. And had talent.

Not that I'm knocking Britney or anything. I love her as much as the next body-image obsessed teen girl does. If not more than, to be honest.

Anyway. I had a lovely time, and I hope you guys have had a great week too. Doubtless I have gained rather than lost, but theres things to be done this week/end, out and about away from the evil food monkeys.

I hope your all feeling loved and cared about. By me and everyone else in your lives.

Love and strength,

T.

Well.

This isn't really a post. It's more like an excuse so that I don't have to leave the comfort of this warm room and go near food and people and nothingness, because right now I don't feel like theres anything anywhere for me.

I talked to my boyfriend on the phone today. I love him. But he's manipulative. He says he's not, and maybe he doesn't mean to be, but he gets his own way all the time because back home, he's the damaged boy, who can't be told "no, your wrong," and so everyone shuts up and listens to him, which he will vehemently deny if I ever said I thought so. So we had an argument, about my mother, of all things.

My mum is the reason I attempted suicide twice, and the reason no one noticed. She is the reason I've suffered with depression for almost eight years. Just before my 18th birthday, she attempted to OD on drugs. My dad took her to the hospital in the middle of the night. Great birthday present, mum. She has always told me that I'm fat, worthless, useless, and a great many other things that I know are true, BUT I DON'T NEED HER TO POINT THEM OUT TO ME! She always comes off as the victim, blaming her own mother for how screwed up she is, and all the bad choices she's made in her life. She blames me for my fathers and her own alcoholism. My dad sought recovery. She sought a bottle store.

So you can understand, when my boyfriend, A, told me that I had to be nicer to her, I was angry. I've never tried to be in the middle of his family problems. I love his siblings, his parents, but when theres something going on with them, I step back. I'm there for him, not to get in between anything. I argued back, told him that I was being nice to her, and that being halfway around the world from her and talking once weekly on the phone was the best our relationship has been. He said I wasn't trying. Then told me to come home, then told me that being depressed over here was pointless when I could be depressed with him. I wanted to scream and shout and throw things. I wanted to break up with him, be done. "It's not fair!" I wanted to shout. "I've never started anything with my mum! I would never dream of doing half of the things she's done to me! You're supposed to be my boyfriend!" I wanted to yell. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to eat.

My aunt and uncle made themselves breakfast throughout my (very) quiet conversation. Then, as I was putting some bread in the toaster, they made their excuses and left. I don't blame them, I don't want to be around me either. I looked at my toast, all butter and gold. And then I threw it in the bin and had some green tea. I was so proud of myself. But then, after not eating all day, I had dinner with my aunt and uncle. Managed to cut everything up but only eat half of it. Then, I gorged myself on four giant chocolate bars. I really don't know why they haven't asked me to leave. I really just want to go home and fuck up my life and make everyone hate me again, like they did before, so that when I wither and my bones shine through my skin like sun through grey clouds, and I walk up to them , pale, thin, beautiful, when they see the real me, the fabulous, smart, sexy, intelligent, quirky, funny, Amazing Me, I can laugh at them. I can tell them that they're fat and whores and horrible. I want to be better than them. All of them.

And I will be better than them.

I just have to make them hate me first.

I just have to make them believe what I've known all along.

That I, Tabi, am lower than the lowest of all pond scums. The worst of all wombats. The stench beneath the surface of the warthog. I have to make them hate me. I need something to work for, to earn. I don't deserve to be skinny and beautiful on my own.

I need a cause. I need it now.

I just want some purpose.

I'm sorry you all had to read that. If you stuck around this long, leave me a comment. Make me worthless. Slap me with the metaphorical fish. Or if your in England, do it for real.

Tabitha's Freak Show, coming to a pet shop near you.

You won't hear from me til Thursday, or Friday.

I hope everyones week goes well.

T.

Omphhh.

So. I was going to post last night, but after catching up on peoples blogs I was too tired and too depressed. I haven't eaten today to make up for it. But I am living by the following quote for this week, and hopefully it'll be the thinspiration I need to stay strong

Never let a single day pass which gives you reason to say "I'll do better tomorrow".

So there you have it. I leave for Barcelona on Monday, so fingers crossed the hot weather and thousands of gorgeous, skinny people will cease my appetite for at least a little while.

More later,

T.

Huff.

You know what? I was absolutely fine until about 30 mins ago. I had been not eating all day, drinking diet coke till it came out of my ears, and then my aunt gets home and cooks me this huge dinner. And within about 8 minutes, the entire thing is gone. A day of fasting wasted by less than ten minutes. Can you say annoyed?

Last night, or this morning rather, I was up till 4am. Then, just as I get off to sleep, Crash. Crash.Crash. Turns out the glass shower door is weak, and decided to smash itself at 530. So there I am again, awake, till about 630. FML. i really hate not being able to sleep.

Tomorrow is the wedding. All I can think about is my belly protruding from my dress, and I can't help thinking I'm going to be asked if I'm pregnant, I'm that huge. Ew. I don't wanna look like this. Can I just take a moment to say Thank You! to all the people who follow and read and comment and support? You guys are great, and tomorrow I'm going to think of you when I go stuff my face. Peer-induced self-control, yey.

Cause thats what this is about, self control, and my lack of it. I'm just so annoyed at not having it, but i don't know what I can do to get it back. That and my self-respect.

This calls for some angst-y teen music. Enter Rage Against The Machine.

Love and happy mumblings to you all,

T.

Charrr.

Okay, so I've had the biggest headache in the world for the past few days, and I am about to take my darling best friend, my iPod, to bed with me, to sleep (even though its only 8pm), so I don't binge on any more crap than I should.

I was just catching up on all the blogs I've missed out on, and I'm sorry I didn't comment more. I've been having massive food headaches (read: binge headaches) and can't stand the computer screen right now. I only have a few more posts til I go away, so lets hope I lose a little before then. What use is going away to somewhere nice and warm when I'm a fat cow and have to cover up anyway?

Found a new handy dandy website full of inspiring things, will post linkage tomorrow. I have to go to a wedding on Friday and I feel like a bloated pig. Am fasting tomorrow to attempt to slim myself at least a little bit. I know it's useless, but every little helps, no?

So tempted to reach for the candy box right now, but instead will take some water to bed. Really hope tomorrow is a better day, for you guys and me.

Love and Lite,

T.

Mphm.

Well.

Today, I went into town and went shopping for some stocking fillers for my sister. I was doing so, so, so, SO well, I bought heaps of awesome things for her, and some nice things for me, and I met my grandmother and we went to a different mall-type thing, and it had all sorts of food and candy places, and I couldn't say no. Well. I bought hula-hoops (best potato-substance ever) and I have already had three mini bags. Then I ate a Kit-Kat. Then. I ate dinner. Because my aunt's been worried about me being so "ill" all the time, and I didn't want her to be offended or afraid. Pasta. I feel incredibly SICK right now.

Did I mention my new found passion for smoking? I figure if I smoke just before dinner then I won't want to eat it. Well. I was being monitored all day, so I couldn't smoke, which annoyed me to no end. I really want one ... Grrr.

Anyway. So I am going to have a green tea later on and water for the rest of the night, and I am going to go upstairs to my bedroom as soon as I'm finished here and finish my look-book pages that I started ages ago, and find all sorts of things to do that don't involve food. Cause Food is BAD..!

I just don't get me at all. I do so well sometimes, and then BAM! A days worth of effort undone by a five minute binge. 1000's of calories FOR NO REASON!!

Ahem. I apologise. I'm a little anxious cause I haven't heard from my boyfriend in a few days. I'm emailing him at the moment. I miss him lots. I can't wait for home and daily life and doing things that preferably don't involve food. If you ever see a picture of his ex, you'll know why. Where I stopped and got fat, she just got skinnier, and prettier, and more blonde and beautiful.

I really don't like me right now.

Love and Laughter, cause I hope you're all having better days than me.

T.

Rambling.Broken.Posting.

Aw I just found out one of my best friends back home broke up with his girlfriend, who hes been with almost a year. It makes me sad that I can't go hug him and talk to him. I miss home and freedom and knowing where I am.

I miss my friends.

Sadness over.

Had a horrible day today, for not really any reason. Have to go work for my uncle tomorrow, only for a couple of hours, but still. looking forward to a distraction, and hopefully, cause no one will be around I can just take some food in and accidentally forget to eat it. Not that I'm talking about food, cause I said I wouldn't do that.

Got some (very) mild laxatives. That is such a funny word. Can you tell I'm nervous about your reaction to it? Anyway. Just cause I feel all gross and heavy lately. So yeah, hopefully they will make me feel better soon.

Haven't been able to drink much water or diet coke lately which sucks, but eh. Feeling like an over-stuffed potato. But I was talking to a friend just before who said that when she was away from home (she spent a month in an orphanage in Nepal), she found it easy to distract herself by just taking a walk somewhere. It's getting way-heaps colder nowadays, but I know shes right, so it's my new resolve to walk somewhere each day. Just a short walk, but a walk at least. Maybe I'll lose some extra poundage along the way?

Talking to friends is fun. I only have the ones back home to really be myself with. The ones who know me inside-out. My friend (lets refer to him as J) and I have the most amazing conversations. I have a heap of guy friends (I put it down to my inability to relate well to girls and my boy-craziness in my younger years) who I can talk really freely to cause I know that at the end of the day the don't gossip or cause me sh*t.

Anyway. I think I need a little drama right now, but more on that later.

Love and strength,

T.

Oh Em Gee

Thanks for commenting and making my day, Fallen-Angel!

I can honestly say I've never ventured into Topshop for the sole fear of not finding anything in my size. Just one more and I'd be happy to walk in and buy something :)

I talked to my family today, and my mums not mad at me anymore! So that made me happy. My sister is really growing up without me, which makes me sad, but I mean, she's almost 17, so I guess its not that big of a deal. She's aways been a real tomboy so now that she's getting into makeup and fashion, I feel like we connect a bit more. Too bad it took me going half way around the world though! Anyway, for christmas I am showeringher with make-up and clothes. What a lovely big sister. I hope she likes her presents.

Anyway. So today I have beein invited to lunch twice already, but don't really want to go to eaither. I think I'm just going to busy myself tidying up everything I can. Can you say psycho? Anyway.

Will update after my clean-fest. Have a great week, girlies.

Love and strength,

T.

Decisions.

So. From now on, if ever I'm negative, just bash me. Seriously. I'm getting sick of my moaning.

Thats my big decision for today. Just to be happy, and not let things get me down. I've started writing again, so expect a cheesy, cliche poem sometime next week. Gotta love 'em.

Had a good day today. Went shopping, bought two skirts, Size 10, not 12!! I know it's only one size but I'm happy with it. And, welcomed a new addition to the family. A gorgeous pair of black, suede ankle boots. Ah. They feel like heaven. I'm wearing them to my aunts friends wedding next Friday.

This week, I have a lot lined up, so I'm excited to be keeping busy. Tomorrow I'll spend most of the day on the phone and then tidying and sorting out the christmas presents I'm buying (I'm being good and organised this year!!), and I'm helping my aunt tidy the house. I'm claiming illness again to get out of going anywhere, and staying in with my green tea and a book. Early to bed!

On monday I'm posting some birthday cards, then I'm going to take my Wii over to my aunts house and hang out with her for a little while. Then I'll be back here, sorting out my clothes for my trip to Barcelona~~ Can you believe. I'm going to be covering my ass the entire time, but it might give me some real-life thinspiration.

Tuesday is going to be spent picking up my tickets for my trip to London next month, and then buying previously mentioned christmas presents.

Sorted. And if I don't get around to this stuff, feel free to bash the hell outta me.

More tomorrow, I'm sure.

Love and Happiness, angels.

T.

Ha.

I said I'd do it. Y'all were so hopeful, weren't you?

I guess I've been feeling off all night. I haven't been able to sleep properly at all, and have just ingested about three billion calories. I truly hate myself and my lack of self control. But tomorrow (today, now, really) is another day, and I will do better. I already have a plan for today. Yay.

Have been thinking. A bad thing, I know. But still. I know I don't want to be emaciated. I know I look like a hippo. I know every single teeny bite I have miraculously appears on my thighs, my hips my chest. So why can't I just stop eating? Why can't I be healthy.

I used to self mutilate. The only reason I stopped was because my boyfriend said he'd break up with me if I did (and he thinks he's not manipulative) but he still does it and doesn't tell me. Fair relationship? I think not. But I love him, so I don't harm. Which is where the food comes in, I guess. Cause instead of punishing myself with a blade, I do it with the fridge.

I know cutting is wrong, hurting myself is wrong, but from now on, whenever I feel like I want to eat something, I'm just going to hit myself. I think it' s the closest I can come to self harm without being noticed. I just want to go home, where nobody cared, and where I could actually talk to someone, and stay busy, rather than being somewhere so foreign, I'm afraid to step out the door.

I know I'm a loser.

More on my life later. I know you just can't wait. Sigh.

T.

Hello, You.

Firstly, thank you to my followers! Secondly, I'm so sorry I'm so Phail-ey at this website. I didn't realise I had comments till now. I feel so intelligent, and I don't think.

Thanks to Eksde and Slowly Fading for your support and advice.

So last time I posted about what I was giving up. I have decided, in an attempt to make myself less ... concentrated on food, to not talk about it for a while. I had a good day today, but couldn't fast because my aunts were watching me like hawks. I wish I was back home where my parents didn't really care what or if I ate, as long I was around some of the time.

So plodding along, reading some journals today, I found someone who posted a list of different things about Ana. I'm not going to link, unless they see this and want me to. Anyway, I took that list, and modified it to myself. I hope you enjoy and get some (th)inspiration.

1. Fat Cow or Anorexic?
2. Perfection or Worthlessness?
3. Food or Thin?
4. Ana = Control, Food = Ugly
5. Desire or Disgust?
6. Need = Beauty, Want = Fat
7. Would you rather be remembered as the beautiful, skinny girl, or the horrible fat one?
8. Thin = Grace, Fat = Falling on your face.
9. Food = Inner Beauty, Ana = Inner AND Outer Beauty
10. People who eat are selfish and unrealistic.
11. Have you ever seen a thin person be ignored?
12. Thin people look good in everything, Fat people shouldn't be seen in public.
13. Ballerina or Beanbag?
14. Long, thin life, or short, fat one?
15. A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.
16. People will praise you for being thin.
17. People will IGNORE you for being fat.
18. Not eating ensures a healthy bank account.
19. Skinny people get better jobs. Just look at celebrities.
20. Fat people are funny, thin people are successful.
21. Fat people don't get the lead.
22. Ana works, Diets don't.
23. Fat people don't have enough room to be loved.
24. Just think of Ana as a bad ass action Hero. She's your secret weapon.
25. Thin = Confidence, Confidence = Happiness.
26. Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels.
27. Perfect Body = Perfect Soul
28. Would you rather be admired for your courage to walk out the door as a size 22, or your courage and strength to say 'No.'??
29. Think how much better you'll look in photos.
30. Save Time, Eat Nothing.
31. Is food more important than happiness?
32. Thin will always be in.
33. People don't like Fat People.

If it offends at all, I apologise. If you have more, Let me know. I know there are billions of Ana quotes out there. I just wanted to put my own thoughts into something.

I'll be posting another blog shortly, about what, I'm just not sure.

Love and Lite,

T.

Argh,

Have decided to give up:

• Chocolate
• Biscuits
• Sweets/Candy
• White bread
• Red Meat
• FAT
• Butter
• Sugar
• Honey
• Chocolate.
• Anything that makes me 'Feel Happy'

Have instead decided to:

• Eat healthily
• Eat fruit
• Drink lots of green tea
• Drink less diet coke
• Drink 1 Ltr water per day
• Eat crackers if I feel faint

I don't know if you know this, but being thin is AMAZING. And staying thin, and not needing to eat is Freaking Fantastic.

I Really HATE myself right now.

Hope your having a better night than me.

Love,

T.

Eep.

Phaily McPhailey. I hate myself for this lack of control. Ate far Far FAR too much today, and feel absolutely horrible. Giving up my ABC, and fasting for the rest of this week.

I've decided to be lazy and pro-active, if that makes sense. Like, instead of sitting around all day doing nothing, feeling sorry for myself, I'm going to get a hobby. And by that, I mean, increase my awareness of fashion, etc. It's what I'll be studying next year, and I can't wait. So, Saturday, when I don't think I'll be doing anything, I'm going to alter some pants I don't wear into pants I will wear. But, I'm only going to start when I get hungry. So that, instead of doing it, and finishing and then bingeing the rest of the day for lack of anything better to do, I'll just chill until I feel like I want to eat something that I'll obviously regret after, and do it then.

Presto, problem solved. I hope.

On Tuesday I'm going into town to book my train tickets to go to London in November, and I'm going to buy some sketch books. I figure, if I constantly have a book around to scribble in, it can only help, right? Sometimes words just won't do it.

I've been reading and commenting on some peoples journals, I hope they don't mind. I struggled with Ana when I was about 13-15, and ate maybe ... five meals a week. I hated eating, being fat, I learned to hide it well. I was at the doctors a lot at the time, for a different reason, and he put me on a meal plan and steroids, and all sorts of things that made me gain, that my parents made me follow to the letter. I started using food as a substitute for everything else. I've struggled with compulsive overeating ever since. I just bounced from one extreme to the other.

So when I give out advice, as a non skinny person, don't think I'm just making stuff up. Cause everything I say, I used to do. At my smallest, I weighed about 38 kilos (85 lbs). I know weigh 58 (130 lbs).

Right now, to lose weight, I've decided, I'm just on a water fast, with a multi-vitamin, and a food supplement, and possibly one piece of brown toast per day. Thats my plan till Monday.

I will do well. I don't want to be the Fat Friend anymore.

More later, I'm sure.

Love to you all, and blessings.

T.

Day Five...

So, today, I think I've done pretty well for myself. I haven't eaten anything yet. I am on my second Diet Coke though, which doesn't make me happy. So, no more after this one. I find drinking through a straw make me drink slower, so, more time wasted not eating!

I have also given up chocolate, completely. It was disturbing, the amount I ate, I didn't like it at all. I hate having no control over myself. But What do I find when I get to my aunts house, after my declaration of non-chocolatedness? She's just been shopping. For candy. AAH!

I have control. I'm finding the one thing that's helping me right now, is, weirdly, a movie quote. "No sacrifice, no victory" has been doing the rounds in my head today, and it's true. i won't get anywhere if I don't give some things up.

I'm claiming tummy-upsetedness when my aunt comes in, and having a tomato soup (approx 60 Cal's) and some crackers after if I'm hungry. I find the earlier I eat, the more I eat. I'm still a fully functioning person if I don't have breakfast (shock, horror), so, I think if I take a leaf out of someone else's book here, I am now committed to drinking two litres of water per day before food consumption. I guess that it'll get things moving, if you know what I mean, and that way I won't be as hungry.

I'd rather starve than binge.

But. As I'm on my ABC's (which have been going okay, actually), I am sticking to the Plan. I'm going to eat later on. I'm actually looking forward to fasting. Planning makes me feel in control. Staying away from the kitchen does too.

More later, I'm sure.

Love and strength,

T.

Eep, Mee-Meep.

I truly cannot understand how one individual can consume so much and still need more. Because my fasting failed, Epically, as you know, I have decided to start my ABC. I don't generally get hungry as much as I just want to eat, so I'm hoping by starting that instead, it'll give me some direction.

One thing I may not have explained about my postage. I'm on holiday. I don't do anything. At all. Zero. Nill. Nada. Niente. Geddit? So to distract myself, instead, I write. I'm hoping that as soon as I get used to it, I'll find other things to do. But right now, all I do is sit around and eat and sleep. And 'cause I haven't been sleeping much ... well you get the point.

My aunt made a roast dinner, but the thought of meat made me ill, so I ate my way around the veggies. I just want to curl up and sleep again. I hope I can hold out for a little bit longer, then when it reaches a semi-decent hour, I actually will be able to sleep.

So tomorrow I start Day Three, And I'm going shopping on my way to my other aunts house, so I don't freak out, as I have previously mentioned could happen. Just soup and crackers really. We're baking at my aunts, so I can feign non-hunger when I get back, and feign non-hunger when I'm there, too. Then, happily, make my little soups. Although they are only about 60 Cal's per pack, so I could have a couple, really, couldn't I? Yay for eating but not consuming. And I can work it all off soon enough, so yay even more. I love plans. I have no idea what'll happen when i go away, but oh well. I'll figure something out, won' I?

Anyway. I'm just going to make this the longest update ever, for fear of wandering into the kitchen. Yes fear. I have no hobbies, cause I can't do anything easily. Other than walking, but people tend to stare at me. And the the amount of fat on me. No thans. So, like Rapunzel in her tower, I sit around, occasionally cycle, and, well, eat. And now update. Theres nothing else for me at the moment. Does anyone know any good Support sites? Perhaps if there were message boards or something?? I odn't know. I hate being so useless.

Love and Lite.

T.

Wowee.

Epic McPhailey-Phail has returned. I was in bed pretty much all day yesterday due to not feeling well, and just as I get up to get a drink, dinner arrives, and my aunt has dished me a plate. so I eat the smallest possible amount to make her happy then sit around for a few hours, then back up to bed at 12:30, where I got about 2 hours sleep. Then read for three, waited another hour and a half and went for a jog. PHAIL JOG. I think I might have developed asthma, cause even now I can't breathe. The jog was only around the park once (I'm starting slow), it took ten minutes. I've been home half an hour!

I felt so ill, the first thing I did was reach for .. food. Not even just crackers or something, but a giant butter croissant. with jam. that had seeds. Feel even sicker, and also disgusted with myself. Had a diet coke and am going to sleep for a few hours now. Later I will go shopping for my ABC. Mostly powdered soup (cause I can't cook, and it's easier to count) and low cal crackers and brownbread. I figure I won't freak out about looking in the kitchen cupboards then, trying to find something to eat, cause it'll already be there, waiting, saying, "Pick me, I'm low cal, don't worry, it's safe!". I know I over-think things, so shoot me. Starting tomorrow, I'm being very very strict. I just want to be happy.

Love and Pieces.

T.

Epic Phail.

Kay, So yesterday was officially my binge day. Horrible. I know that If I hadn't eaten much yesterday, this would be HEAPS easier. Damn chocolate and it's obsessive qualities.

So I ate far too much chocolate, then had greasy chips and chicken fried rice. I feel so ill. Which makes it easier to tell my auntie I don't want to eat this weekend. She had a stomach-flu-thingy a week or so ago, so I'm just going to tell her I was ill this morning and don't trust myself to eat. Which I don't anyway (trust myself, that is), in case I binge again. And so the fast begins!

Apart from feeling horribly tired (I can't seem to sleep at a decent hour at all), I'm not hungry. Just have this weird lump in my throat that makes me feel like I want to vomit, but I don't think I will. Anyway. Today I'm on green tea. And I've had this acai berry supplement, which (surprising though it is) doesn't make me feel as hungry as I probably should.

I decided last night that I'm just going to try to fast for as long as I can. And if I feel horrible, I'll just eat crackers. They're like 18 Cal's each, but I figure if I eat them slowly enough, I'll be fine.

I'm not going to do as much exercise this weekend, just my yoga. I think, if I don't push myself physically, it'll be a lot easier to not break my fast. Does that make sense? Or is it just silly and another account to my laziness?

Seriously, guys, a large lump in my throat. Terrible ill feeling, and not able to vomit. Horrible. I hate being this way.

Going to my grandmothers house on Monday or Tuesday, to weight myself. My aunt has electric Weight Watchers scales but I can't seem to work them, LOL. Another Epic McPhail.

Just been reading the ABC. I think, after this weekend, I'll start it. Eaither that or I'll just not eat. But I'm planning my food now so I don't freak out and not know what to eat. I'm such a nerd.

And I'm rambling, I apologise.

Much love and strength,

T.

Update...

Just did a half an hour on the bike, and am going to do my yoga stretches before I walk to my aunts. Already had another chocolate biscuit (I'm addicted) and there is another chocolate bar infront of my which I am going to put back before I go upstairs. I just have to remember that eating these things doesn't actually make me happy, and thats what I want. To be happy, with myself and my body and my life.

Just had a nosey at some other StruggleBlogs, and can just say, AnaGirls are so nice!

I hope I make some friends.

Love and Strength.

T.

Day Three

So I only got up an hour or so ago, but I've already had two chocolate bars! And I'm supposed to be having take out with my aunt and uncle. Cause they live twenty minutes away, I figure if I walk I'll burn off a little bit, Plus, I have my yoga and Pilate's to do, and I'm going on the exercise bike as soon as this post is finished. It's in a room which has a TV, so hopefully I won't get bored and decided to stop early.

Yesterday I couldn't get to sleep till almost 4am. Does anyone know anything that can help with that? I listened to music, read a book, watched TV, and was still awake til almost sunrise. I hate it, cause it means I'm wasting most of the day cause I'm either too lazy, or too tired, to do anything afterward. The only plus is, my hunger dissipates in my sleep, so when I get up I only need something small, like a cracker, and I'm fine till dinner. Except for today, when I failed.

I've also been drinking a lot of diet coke, which, okay, is better than regular coke, but I don't like it. The water around here is practically undrinkable, and we don't have any bottles left, and I haven't really felt like having any tea. I'm thinking about going vegetarian though, because I don't really like eating meat. The texture, and thinking about where it's come from? Just makes me want to be sick. Which would be okay if I could actually be sick, but as it so happens, I have an iron stomach.

Speaking of stomachs, here is mine.

I promised, so there they are. My measurements are far too embarassing, so they aren't going anywhere near here till I've lost a bit of weight.

Which fast food won't help, so, as promised, I am off to the bike!

Any tips, pointers, advice or encouragement would really be appreciated.

Love and Light,

T.

Well...

Okay, So I decided to post again, after reading some other struggle-blogs. Cause thats what I'm calling them, so there.

The reson I want to lose weight is, I'm on a holiday to my birth country, and I have a boyfriend back home, who I love, adore and idolise. He doesn't want me to be anorexic, but I just want to be thin. I don't see anything wrong with that to be honest.I leave here December 2, and by that time I hope to have lost atleast 15 kgs, or just over 30lbs.So, I have two months of regular fasting, increasing exercise, and attempted vegetarianism in order to get to my goal weight.

Because it's getting into winter at the moment, all I'm being cooked is chicken and beef and creamy sauces and pasta. So, starting tonight, I'm leaving half of what's onmy plate. I'm staying with my uncle and aunt, so it's easy to say I've eaten during the day cause they're both at work, and there's no one else to check on me.

This week, my major challenge has bene giving up chocolate, which has been the bane of my existence since I arrived here. Because of it, i have put on 10lbs, which I hate. So, I decided, this week, no chocolate. Monday I failed. But Tuesday, Wednesday and today have been fine. I don't really miss it, but I've decided to let myself have one chocolate treat on friday night before my weekend green tea and water fast. It'll be the first one I've attempted, and fingers crossed it goes well.

I'm hoping, because my aunt and uncle are distracted, they won't really notice that I'm not eating. But because I'm limiting my money at the moment, I won't be able to go out to distract myself, so I expect I'll be posting a lot over the next few days.

Today I approximated that I ate about 400-500 cals, and cycled for half an hour, burning about the same (I think).

To be honest, I'm pleased with myself for being able to cut my cals like that. Previously, if I wanted to have something I would (explains the 10 lbs, right?), but now, whenever I think about snacking, I ask myself, Am I really hungry? Or just thirsty? And, Do I seriously want to spend an hour working off something that will take me 1 minute to eat?

So it all works out. I'm not saying I expect it to be easy, but since I've made my decision, and I've told you about it, I expect my resolve will be strengthened. And just so I don't deviate, next post (which will be tomorrow), will have my 'before' pics. Each Friday I will post another one. Hopefully there'll be improvements.

Much love and strength,

T

Day Two...

I figured that starting a journal, and gettinginvolved with online communities will make me fele better and encourage me to do better in the tasks that I've set myself.

Wish me luck everyone,

T