Decisions.

So. From now on, if ever I'm negative, just bash me. Seriously. I'm getting sick of my moaning.

Thats my big decision for today. Just to be happy, and not let things get me down. I've started writing again, so expect a cheesy, cliche poem sometime next week. Gotta love 'em.

Had a good day today. Went shopping, bought two skirts, Size 10, not 12!! I know it's only one size but I'm happy with it. And, welcomed a new addition to the family. A gorgeous pair of black, suede ankle boots. Ah. They feel like heaven. I'm wearing them to my aunts friends wedding next Friday.

This week, I have a lot lined up, so I'm excited to be keeping busy. Tomorrow I'll spend most of the day on the phone and then tidying and sorting out the christmas presents I'm buying (I'm being good and organised this year!!), and I'm helping my aunt tidy the house. I'm claiming illness again to get out of going anywhere, and staying in with my green tea and a book. Early to bed!

On monday I'm posting some birthday cards, then I'm going to take my Wii over to my aunts house and hang out with her for a little while. Then I'll be back here, sorting out my clothes for my trip to Barcelona~~ Can you believe. I'm going to be covering my ass the entire time, but it might give me some real-life thinspiration.

Tuesday is going to be spent picking up my tickets for my trip to London next month, and then buying previously mentioned christmas presents.

Sorted. And if I don't get around to this stuff, feel free to bash the hell outta me.

More tomorrow, I'm sure.

Love and Happiness, angels.

T.

Ha.

I said I'd do it. Y'all were so hopeful, weren't you?

I guess I've been feeling off all night. I haven't been able to sleep properly at all, and have just ingested about three billion calories. I truly hate myself and my lack of self control. But tomorrow (today, now, really) is another day, and I will do better. I already have a plan for today. Yay.

Have been thinking. A bad thing, I know. But still. I know I don't want to be emaciated. I know I look like a hippo. I know every single teeny bite I have miraculously appears on my thighs, my hips my chest. So why can't I just stop eating? Why can't I be healthy.

I used to self mutilate. The only reason I stopped was because my boyfriend said he'd break up with me if I did (and he thinks he's not manipulative) but he still does it and doesn't tell me. Fair relationship? I think not. But I love him, so I don't harm. Which is where the food comes in, I guess. Cause instead of punishing myself with a blade, I do it with the fridge.

I know cutting is wrong, hurting myself is wrong, but from now on, whenever I feel like I want to eat something, I'm just going to hit myself. I think it' s the closest I can come to self harm without being noticed. I just want to go home, where nobody cared, and where I could actually talk to someone, and stay busy, rather than being somewhere so foreign, I'm afraid to step out the door.

I know I'm a loser.

More on my life later. I know you just can't wait. Sigh.

T.

Hello, You.

Firstly, thank you to my followers! Secondly, I'm so sorry I'm so Phail-ey at this website. I didn't realise I had comments till now. I feel so intelligent, and I don't think.

Thanks to Eksde and Slowly Fading for your support and advice.

So last time I posted about what I was giving up. I have decided, in an attempt to make myself less ... concentrated on food, to not talk about it for a while. I had a good day today, but couldn't fast because my aunts were watching me like hawks. I wish I was back home where my parents didn't really care what or if I ate, as long I was around some of the time.

So plodding along, reading some journals today, I found someone who posted a list of different things about Ana. I'm not going to link, unless they see this and want me to. Anyway, I took that list, and modified it to myself. I hope you enjoy and get some (th)inspiration.

1. Fat Cow or Anorexic?
2. Perfection or Worthlessness?
3. Food or Thin?
4. Ana = Control, Food = Ugly
5. Desire or Disgust?
6. Need = Beauty, Want = Fat
7. Would you rather be remembered as the beautiful, skinny girl, or the horrible fat one?
8. Thin = Grace, Fat = Falling on your face.
9. Food = Inner Beauty, Ana = Inner AND Outer Beauty
10. People who eat are selfish and unrealistic.
11. Have you ever seen a thin person be ignored?
12. Thin people look good in everything, Fat people shouldn't be seen in public.
13. Ballerina or Beanbag?
14. Long, thin life, or short, fat one?
15. A moment on the lips, forever on the hips.
16. People will praise you for being thin.
17. People will IGNORE you for being fat.
18. Not eating ensures a healthy bank account.
19. Skinny people get better jobs. Just look at celebrities.
20. Fat people are funny, thin people are successful.
21. Fat people don't get the lead.
22. Ana works, Diets don't.
23. Fat people don't have enough room to be loved.
24. Just think of Ana as a bad ass action Hero. She's your secret weapon.
25. Thin = Confidence, Confidence = Happiness.
26. Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels.
27. Perfect Body = Perfect Soul
28. Would you rather be admired for your courage to walk out the door as a size 22, or your courage and strength to say 'No.'??
29. Think how much better you'll look in photos.
30. Save Time, Eat Nothing.
31. Is food more important than happiness?
32. Thin will always be in.
33. People don't like Fat People.

If it offends at all, I apologise. If you have more, Let me know. I know there are billions of Ana quotes out there. I just wanted to put my own thoughts into something.

I'll be posting another blog shortly, about what, I'm just not sure.

Love and Lite,

T.

Argh,

Have decided to give up:

• Chocolate
• Biscuits
• Sweets/Candy
• White bread
• Red Meat
• FAT
• Butter
• Sugar
• Honey
• Chocolate.
• Anything that makes me 'Feel Happy'

Have instead decided to:

• Eat healthily
• Eat fruit
• Drink lots of green tea
• Drink less diet coke
• Drink 1 Ltr water per day
• Eat crackers if I feel faint

I don't know if you know this, but being thin is AMAZING. And staying thin, and not needing to eat is Freaking Fantastic.

I Really HATE myself right now.

Hope your having a better night than me.

Love,

T.

Eep.

Phaily McPhailey. I hate myself for this lack of control. Ate far Far FAR too much today, and feel absolutely horrible. Giving up my ABC, and fasting for the rest of this week.

I've decided to be lazy and pro-active, if that makes sense. Like, instead of sitting around all day doing nothing, feeling sorry for myself, I'm going to get a hobby. And by that, I mean, increase my awareness of fashion, etc. It's what I'll be studying next year, and I can't wait. So, Saturday, when I don't think I'll be doing anything, I'm going to alter some pants I don't wear into pants I will wear. But, I'm only going to start when I get hungry. So that, instead of doing it, and finishing and then bingeing the rest of the day for lack of anything better to do, I'll just chill until I feel like I want to eat something that I'll obviously regret after, and do it then.

Presto, problem solved. I hope.

On Tuesday I'm going into town to book my train tickets to go to London in November, and I'm going to buy some sketch books. I figure, if I constantly have a book around to scribble in, it can only help, right? Sometimes words just won't do it.

I've been reading and commenting on some peoples journals, I hope they don't mind. I struggled with Ana when I was about 13-15, and ate maybe ... five meals a week. I hated eating, being fat, I learned to hide it well. I was at the doctors a lot at the time, for a different reason, and he put me on a meal plan and steroids, and all sorts of things that made me gain, that my parents made me follow to the letter. I started using food as a substitute for everything else. I've struggled with compulsive overeating ever since. I just bounced from one extreme to the other.

So when I give out advice, as a non skinny person, don't think I'm just making stuff up. Cause everything I say, I used to do. At my smallest, I weighed about 38 kilos (85 lbs). I know weigh 58 (130 lbs).

Right now, to lose weight, I've decided, I'm just on a water fast, with a multi-vitamin, and a food supplement, and possibly one piece of brown toast per day. Thats my plan till Monday.

I will do well. I don't want to be the Fat Friend anymore.

More later, I'm sure.

Love to you all, and blessings.

T.

Day Five...

So, today, I think I've done pretty well for myself. I haven't eaten anything yet. I am on my second Diet Coke though, which doesn't make me happy. So, no more after this one. I find drinking through a straw make me drink slower, so, more time wasted not eating!

I have also given up chocolate, completely. It was disturbing, the amount I ate, I didn't like it at all. I hate having no control over myself. But What do I find when I get to my aunts house, after my declaration of non-chocolatedness? She's just been shopping. For candy. AAH!

I have control. I'm finding the one thing that's helping me right now, is, weirdly, a movie quote. "No sacrifice, no victory" has been doing the rounds in my head today, and it's true. i won't get anywhere if I don't give some things up.

I'm claiming tummy-upsetedness when my aunt comes in, and having a tomato soup (approx 60 Cal's) and some crackers after if I'm hungry. I find the earlier I eat, the more I eat. I'm still a fully functioning person if I don't have breakfast (shock, horror), so, I think if I take a leaf out of someone else's book here, I am now committed to drinking two litres of water per day before food consumption. I guess that it'll get things moving, if you know what I mean, and that way I won't be as hungry.

I'd rather starve than binge.

But. As I'm on my ABC's (which have been going okay, actually), I am sticking to the Plan. I'm going to eat later on. I'm actually looking forward to fasting. Planning makes me feel in control. Staying away from the kitchen does too.

More later, I'm sure.

Love and strength,

T.

Eep, Mee-Meep.

I truly cannot understand how one individual can consume so much and still need more. Because my fasting failed, Epically, as you know, I have decided to start my ABC. I don't generally get hungry as much as I just want to eat, so I'm hoping by starting that instead, it'll give me some direction.

One thing I may not have explained about my postage. I'm on holiday. I don't do anything. At all. Zero. Nill. Nada. Niente. Geddit? So to distract myself, instead, I write. I'm hoping that as soon as I get used to it, I'll find other things to do. But right now, all I do is sit around and eat and sleep. And 'cause I haven't been sleeping much ... well you get the point.

My aunt made a roast dinner, but the thought of meat made me ill, so I ate my way around the veggies. I just want to curl up and sleep again. I hope I can hold out for a little bit longer, then when it reaches a semi-decent hour, I actually will be able to sleep.

So tomorrow I start Day Three, And I'm going shopping on my way to my other aunts house, so I don't freak out, as I have previously mentioned could happen. Just soup and crackers really. We're baking at my aunts, so I can feign non-hunger when I get back, and feign non-hunger when I'm there, too. Then, happily, make my little soups. Although they are only about 60 Cal's per pack, so I could have a couple, really, couldn't I? Yay for eating but not consuming. And I can work it all off soon enough, so yay even more. I love plans. I have no idea what'll happen when i go away, but oh well. I'll figure something out, won' I?

Anyway. I'm just going to make this the longest update ever, for fear of wandering into the kitchen. Yes fear. I have no hobbies, cause I can't do anything easily. Other than walking, but people tend to stare at me. And the the amount of fat on me. No thans. So, like Rapunzel in her tower, I sit around, occasionally cycle, and, well, eat. And now update. Theres nothing else for me at the moment. Does anyone know any good Support sites? Perhaps if there were message boards or something?? I odn't know. I hate being so useless.

Love and Lite.

T.