Okay, so New Years Eve saw me at 3pm over at a friends pool party, drinking away my time until the bf turned up. He did, albeit reluctantly. All day I ate one sausage with a piece of bread and tomato sauce (I was too drunk to say no). Then, about 6pm, a friend of mine arrives and everything changes. No longer is A looking at me with those big, beautiful eyes. He's turned them on her. I make to hold his hand and he looks at me as if to ask "Who are you?". I can feel tears in my eyes from then on. He ignores me until we leave to go to his friends party in the city. Everything is fine until this douche-bag sleazy guy starts hitting on me. I threaten castration, and A, who is totally smashed, tells him to f*** off or he'll throw him out. I'm still bugging, and he can tell. He takes me outside, I can see the full moon, I feel like my heart is going to explode when he asks "What's up?" I don't want to answer. Somewhere away from us, his friends start a countdown. "I don't know. It's everything. Us, you, That GIRL. I saw the way you looked at her. You didn't even realise I was there." I look at him and just will him to hold me and tell me not to be silly and that he loves me.
"Do you want me to tell you something? I asked her out. About a year ago.. And she said no."
HOW THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER? HUH?
This girl is smarter, prettier, nicer, funnier than me. They have more in common, they like the same things, they do the same things, he tells her things he would never dream of even MENTIONING to me. And timing says, he asked her out about two weeks before he asked me out.
"That doesn't make me feel better at all. In fact, that just makes me feel like you should be together more."
"You're being retarded." He walks away.
"Happy New Year!" Comes from every direction. And again, at a time when I'm supposed to be most happy, I am alone, scared, crying, and wishing someone would just take me away.
We didn't sort things out till the next afternoon. I talked to my best friend, I had to know if anyone knew that he asked her out. She said she had no idea, and I believe her. I told her everything. She helped me process. There were tears, from both of us. We're weird like that, one of us can't feel something without the other feeling it too. But we just chilled for a while.
I went home about 8pm. During sometime in the morning, I was bitten by something on my leg, and having other things on my mind throughout the day, it took until I got home to realise my leg had swollen to the size of a baseball bat. My mum took me to A&E. I got antibiotics. When I got home, A called. I'm seeing him later today. My leg isn't an smaller, but I'm going to consider this case of poisoning as the perfect excuse for not eating.
I think the thing my bf just didn't get was, what if she had said yes? He would never have thought twice about me.
And, when we got together, I was so ecstatic, I was finally someone's first choice, not the back up. And because I'm friends with the girl too, I told her about it too. And this entire time she has been laughing at me. At least that's what it feels like.
Did she only say no because she knew I liked him? Oh god, did she tell him to ask me out?
Sorry. I'm over this, I swear. I know I shouldn't stir shit up, but I need to talk to her. Or is that just a bad idea?
I'm going to go. I found inspiration in the form of Control and her blog. I will post my resolutions soon.
Love to all, I hope your New Years kicked off better than mine.
Strength. Happiness. Thin. Love.
T.
