A Cautious Return

Only a short post again, cause I am still being watched. Have been keeping cals as low as possible without drawing attention, around 7-800, and only eating when everyone else is. Have started exercising at night before bed (not the best I know). Only a week til I go home and can be left alone.

Stay strong my Angels.

T.

I'm posting quickly because i don't know how much time I have.

My aunt found an old journal of mine I was throwing away. Mess ensued.

I don't have anyone over here I can trust anymore.

I'm scared. But I'm doing better.

I love you all, stay strong.

I'll be back,

T.

Ack.

So. I apologise. I just re-read my post from last night. I don't even know what is going on with me lately. I can hardly remember writing it. But it is true, so thank you to those who commented. I will be weighing in on Friday night.

Today's intake has been far better than usual. I have killer stomach ache right now, I don't know why. And I am expecting my period any day. And. I leave for home in three weeks..!

I'm excited. And anxious. And happy and terrified, and a billion other things.

I just don't know anymore.

For Christmas, cause I am poor, I am making everyone gifts. And giving them all candy. And baking cupcakes. I am obsessed with cupcakes. Not that I especially like eating them, but I love baking and decorating them. Cupcakes in little baskets with other candies. I'm a douche. A poor one. But hopefully people will think I'm relatively normal. Ish.

I just don't know. I apologise.

More in an hour or several.

T.

SOS..

People, this is not a drill!

I am coming to you on my fucking knees. I am desperate. I am unsure. I am FUCKING SCARED.

Why? Why is she being so crazy/sweary/weird?

Because I am insane. Have been for a while. And I need some assurance. I need motivation. I need competition.

I am depressed. I am suicidal. I am hopeless. I am lost.

I really don't know what to do anymore and I fucking HATE feeling like this.

So. My girls, my darlings, My Ana Angels. From now on I am running competitions. Who can lose the most? We'll see.

Comp number one will run from the 11/11 till midnight on the 13/11. Lucky Friday.

Because I need this. I need direction. I need a reason to wake up in the morning. Cause right now, being alive just isn't doing it for me.

Email if your interested.

I love you all.

T.

A Fairytale...

Much to her horror, the evil demons of Fridge Freezer once again stormed the holy land of My Body. The Princess would have fought valiantly, had they not snuck upon her in the manner that they did, luring her with promises of tomorrow, she succumbed to their evil, believing their lies. In chains she wept. The poison only hurt her more and more, but still, they told her it was good. And she believed. Finally Prince Blogg of Er stumbled upon her and set her free of her captors, sharing with her stories of other princesses who had succumbed to the minions of Food, the evil ruler of Fridge Freezer. And the Prince told the Princess of all the other wonderful people who had overcome the poison from Food, and freed themselves. Her faith renewed, she allowed the Prince to take her away to Er, and she lived happily among the other Princesses, never again falling for the evil tricks of Food.

I wish someone would take me away.

Loving and hoping for better days,

T.

Whoop-woop!

So I have been trying very, very hard to read everyones blog posts that I missed out on from when I was away, But if anyone has looked at my profile and seen how many people I follow ... It's hard to catch up, but I am trying.

Good news! I lost 4lbs in my challenge. Bad news? Instead of starting off at 130, I started at closer to 135. Sucky. But I restricted and lost and have since continued to do so. My weight has stayed pretty much the same for the past three or so months so I'm just happy it changed really, even if it did go up and down rather than just down. I think that after restricting and seeing results I was just happy to know that I was actually making a difference this time. So victory!

I've decided that I need some structure to my day, and that means eating three times a day at set meals. So this morning I had porridge, 200, and for lunch a muffin, and it sounds silly but I didn't realise it was chocolate chip until I bit into it. Was 305. Am bursting with hunger now but am filling myself with diet coke and green tea until dinnertime, which is about an hour and a half away. A tiny amount of time, but a struggle for me right now.

Yesterday I spent about half an hour on the Wii, boxing. My arms kill right now. Have decided to put in place an exercise plan for each day. Not exactly sure what yet, but I'm sure I'll let you know!

Anyway. I'm getting that belly-cramping, headache-y fuzzy feeling right about now. Am contemplating some juice. I know I should avoid liquid cals at all costs, but I've been peeing so much lately, everything just goes straight through me anyway. Sorry if that was TMI, just thought I'd let everyone know!! No such thing as personal space on the Internet.

More later. After dinner, which I made, yay, but has heaps of meat and greasy gross things and pasta (my one true weakness).

Wish me luck.

Love and lite to all.

T.