I said I'd do it. Y'all were so hopeful, weren't you?
I guess I've been feeling off all night. I haven't been able to sleep properly at all, and have just ingested about three billion calories. I truly hate myself and my lack of self control. But tomorrow (today, now, really) is another day, and I will do better. I already have a plan for today. Yay.
Have been thinking. A bad thing, I know. But still. I know I don't want to be emaciated. I know I look like a hippo. I know every single teeny bite I have miraculously appears on my thighs, my hips my chest. So why can't I just stop eating? Why can't I be healthy.
I used to self mutilate. The only reason I stopped was because my boyfriend said he'd break up with me if I did (and he thinks he's not manipulative) but he still does it and doesn't tell me. Fair relationship? I think not. But I love him, so I don't harm. Which is where the food comes in, I guess. Cause instead of punishing myself with a blade, I do it with the fridge.
I know cutting is wrong, hurting myself is wrong, but from now on, whenever I feel like I want to eat something, I'm just going to hit myself. I think it' s the closest I can come to self harm without being noticed. I just want to go home, where nobody cared, and where I could actually talk to someone, and stay busy, rather than being somewhere so foreign, I'm afraid to step out the door.
I know I'm a loser.
More on my life later. I know you just can't wait. Sigh.