[WARNING] : Not to be read by happy people. Or sane ones.
I just typed out a majorly long entry, but then I thought, no wait. And deleted it.
Have been listening to a lot of music lately. I can't ever seem to get to sleep, so I sleep when I can, which is generally between 5am-1pm. It's a natural cycle. Well. This makes my uncle really annoyed cause I waste the day and don't do anything around the house and just end up all lazy and ungrateful. Which is right. I've suffered with insomnia before but this is different. Have resolved to see my doctor about sleeping pills when i get home. Which is in about 5 1/2 weeks. I know it's bad but I'm really excited. And I'll be moving in with A next year (and yes, he apologised and we resolved things :) ). And I'll be studying full time, and working and seeing my friends, and keeping busy and not getting fat.
I have this ideal that when I go home and start doing things again, and especially next year, I will be running around everywhere, being a totally transformed awesomely stylish girl who studies in the city and has her own place and works and has everything totally under control. And when all of this happens, people won't notice when I stop eating, and start disappearing. They'll look at me one day and say "Oh my God, you look amazing, are they size 6?!" and I can just smile at them and be so proud of myself that I got to this amazing point in my life that everything goes well. I'll be the perfect student, top of my class, the perfect employee, the perfect friend, everybody's friend.
I've also resolved that when my sister decides she's had enough of living with my parents that she's going to stay with me. She'll be welcome anytime and I'll be that awesome big sister who lets her and her friends come over and lends them clothes the first time they sneak into clubs. And I'll help her with her boy/school/friend issues and just be the person that she's always wanted me to be, that I've always wanted to have.
I'll be zen, and perfect and amazing, and that person who everyone looks up to, and who everyone wants to be, or be friends with. I will be perfect. I have to be perfect.
And no, I don't think I'm asking too much of myself. I don't think that it's unfair to put that much pressure on myself. I don't think that I'll fall at the first hurdle. Because I can't. I won't let myself. This is not a cause of empty promises. This is the rest of my life. Or the beginning of it at least.
Thinking back, I wish I could re-do the last 7 years of my life. The years where I made all my friends, and enemies. The years I got into trouble, I started dating (more trouble), the years where I wanted to grow up far, far too fast when really all I needed was to slow down. Is it sad at eighteen to want to re-do half of your life? I think I'd give everything, what I have now, my future with A, all of my friends. If I could go back, I would do things so much better. I could stop my mum from drinking, my sister from getting hurt, my brother from being a pot-head. I could make sure I don't do the mistakes I have done. I would do well in school, quit my laziness. I'd stay away from the people who hurt me. Or get closer, I haven't decided yet.
Yesterday was a bad day. Today has been good, I think.
So far at least. I'm looking forward to an early bedtime.
I miss drowning in sleep from my mum's morphine.
I just want to go home.
This is a long post.
i used to be crazy, you know. The sits-in-a-corner-mumbling-nonsense-rocking-back-and-forth kind of crazy. Imagining horrible, beautiful things. Seeing faces where there was dust. Counting days till an Armageddon that never happened. Wishing upon hopes of wishes that I die, be taken away, get locked up, drugged up, knocked up, battered, alone, bleeding. Hoping someone would hear when I called, but no one.
Beating songs of soldiers into my head. Hearing about their missing limbs and wishing I was them and that they would see we're not that different.
Someday, I thought, I'll fly away. Someday, I'll be famous. Someday, my mum will apologise to me, and actually mean it. Someday I'll be happy.
A lot of things rest on my mother, but I don't count on her to be there when I fall. That's what I've got myself for. All this fat makes for a soft landing, right mum?
More later, definitely.