This isn't really a post. It's more like an excuse so that I don't have to leave the comfort of this warm room and go near food and people and nothingness, because right now I don't feel like theres anything anywhere for me.
I talked to my boyfriend on the phone today. I love him. But he's manipulative. He says he's not, and maybe he doesn't mean to be, but he gets his own way all the time because back home, he's the damaged boy, who can't be told "no, your wrong," and so everyone shuts up and listens to him, which he will vehemently deny if I ever said I thought so. So we had an argument, about my mother, of all things.
My mum is the reason I attempted suicide twice, and the reason no one noticed. She is the reason I've suffered with depression for almost eight years. Just before my 18th birthday, she attempted to OD on drugs. My dad took her to the hospital in the middle of the night. Great birthday present, mum. She has always told me that I'm fat, worthless, useless, and a great many other things that I know are true, BUT I DON'T NEED HER TO POINT THEM OUT TO ME! She always comes off as the victim, blaming her own mother for how screwed up she is, and all the bad choices she's made in her life. She blames me for my fathers and her own alcoholism. My dad sought recovery. She sought a bottle store.
So you can understand, when my boyfriend, A, told me that I had to be nicer to her, I was angry. I've never tried to be in the middle of his family problems. I love his siblings, his parents, but when theres something going on with them, I step back. I'm there for him, not to get in between anything. I argued back, told him that I was being nice to her, and that being halfway around the world from her and talking once weekly on the phone was the best our relationship has been. He said I wasn't trying. Then told me to come home, then told me that being depressed over here was pointless when I could be depressed with him. I wanted to scream and shout and throw things. I wanted to break up with him, be done. "It's not fair!" I wanted to shout. "I've never started anything with my mum! I would never dream of doing half of the things she's done to me! You're supposed to be my boyfriend!" I wanted to yell. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to eat.
My aunt and uncle made themselves breakfast throughout my (very) quiet conversation. Then, as I was putting some bread in the toaster, they made their excuses and left. I don't blame them, I don't want to be around me either. I looked at my toast, all butter and gold. And then I threw it in the bin and had some green tea. I was so proud of myself. But then, after not eating all day, I had dinner with my aunt and uncle. Managed to cut everything up but only eat half of it. Then, I gorged myself on four giant chocolate bars. I really don't know why they haven't asked me to leave. I really just want to go home and fuck up my life and make everyone hate me again, like they did before, so that when I wither and my bones shine through my skin like sun through grey clouds, and I walk up to them , pale, thin, beautiful, when they see the real me, the fabulous, smart, sexy, intelligent, quirky, funny, Amazing Me, I can laugh at them. I can tell them that they're fat and whores and horrible. I want to be better than them. All of them.
And I will be better than them.
I just have to make them hate me first.
I just have to make them believe what I've known all along.
That I, Tabi, am lower than the lowest of all pond scums. The worst of all wombats. The stench beneath the surface of the warthog. I have to make them hate me. I need something to work for, to earn. I don't deserve to be skinny and beautiful on my own.
I need a cause. I need it now.
I just want some purpose.
I'm sorry you all had to read that. If you stuck around this long, leave me a comment. Make me worthless. Slap me with the metaphorical fish. Or if your in England, do it for real.
Tabitha's Freak Show, coming to a pet shop near you.
You won't hear from me til Thursday, or Friday.
I hope everyones week goes well.